The New VT Submissive
Author: dark whisper
Filed in: submission, online
So you've come to the realization that you are most likely a submissive, aye? Are you a little, or maybe not so little, afraid? What does the world of BDSM or D/s hold for you? How will you know which steps to take, and which to avoid? How do you choose a Dominant? Who can you talk to, learn from, vent to, and ask advice from?Oh, so many questions swimming around in your mind. Most likely the first one is: "what have I gotten myself into here?"
Well, the short answer is - a whole new world. The long answer completely depends on what you are looking for, and with whom you explore.
The advent of the Internet has provided a new avenue for people exploring alternative lifestyles. While this sounds like a wonderful and safe way of exploring a new interest, it is also fraught with dangers to one without the experience to understand the subtle nuances that are only gleaned after time and exposure.
Read everything:
My best advice for a new submissive is to read. Read everything you can get your hands on. Spend as much time as necessary to gather an understanding of the "universally accepted" ideas of core submissive aspects. Now, this is NOT to say that these accepted ideas are right, only that they do tend to fit a rather large percentage of basic attributes. The trick is to be able to separate what makes sense ~for you~ from the piles of information out there and begin to find common threads. Check the links page for good places to start, but an absolute must see is Castle Realm. I would go so far as to say that Castle Realm is the best resource out there for new submissives. Another great place is sexuality.org - a very good place for the "nuts and bolts" of this thing that Wwe do.
Stepping off of the cliff:
Once you have a fairly good idea of what submission is, and how it might fit into your own life, it's time to venture outside of self-education to the world. There are several ways to do this. Real Time (RT) or Virtual Time (VT) and their associated networks.
In RT, there are munch groups, discussion groups, play parties, demos, conventions and the like. RT learning seems to be more geared toward the social interaction of like minded people. However, there are also the more private areas of professional Dom/mes who will, for a price, help you learn what draws you. But keep in mind, while this feeds the ~physical~ need of submission, it does little for the emotional needs, and if there is imbalance, the potential for harm is quite high. Then there are the professional trainers. These people often go deeper into the emotional/mental aspects of submission and try to draw the inner submissive to the surface.
Prior to the digital age, there were few ways to put one's foot forward in the world of BDSM. It was a case of "knowing someone" and everything was kept locked away as a dirty little secret that no one would understand. At best, there would be raised eyebrows and tittering gossip, at worst, one could find themselves in jail or counseling for their "perversion."
VT has, literally, flung open those closed doors. There are hundreds of thousands of internet sites devoted to BDSM, D/s, fetish. Picture galleries, chat sites, education and resources, live action Master/slave interaction all brought to you in the comfort of your home, and the screen of your monitor. A veritable feast for the mind - a smorgasbord that if over indulged in, can lead to more than stomach upset.
One of the most amazing, beautiful, exciting, and ~dangerous~ VT venues is the internet chat room. Here, one can get their feet wet in a fairly ~hesitating to use this word~ safe environment, but BE CAREFUL. I cannot stress enough the need to trust your own instincts. Hone your intuitive mind by watching for a VERY long time before venturing into the world of on-line BDSM. Learn from watching others. Pay attention to what you see and the dynamics of what occurs. Go to many different places. Watch the dynamics and see if this is a place where discussions, education, sharing and friendship exists, or if the main focus of the room seems to revolve around sexual scenes. Remember, BDSM is NOT about sex. Yes, sexuality and sensuality is very much at the forefront, and while a large part of the lifestyle, it is not the end all and be all, Dominance and submission is exactly that. The Dominant is the one who takes the gift of power from the submissive only after it is offered, and that power is used to enhance the bond between the two, not to hold some egocentric manipulative control, aye?
As I spend a lot of time in a particular chat site, I notice there are a few DISTINCT groups of submissives new to the lifestyle. Those who have a strong draw to the act of submission, those who feel ~something~ but are not quite sure what it is, and those who want the slap and tickle, and figure this is a good place to find kinky sex. It never ceases to amaze me that each of these types literally glare out on the screen. If, four years ago, anyone would have told me that personalities are visible online, I would have laughed and scoffed, but… they are, and one can learn from each type. Some things might be emulated, drawn into your own personality - and some things are put on your list of "shoot me if I EVER act like that."
There are times when I have to fight with myself to remember one of the cornerstones of BDSM. Everyone has their own kink, and my particular kink is no better, or conversely, no worse than anyone else's. That piece of knowledge is necessary to remember at all times, else we fall into the very closed-mindedness we strive to overcome in the vanilla world. You might look to the paragraph above this one, and then think that I am contradicting myself. In a way I suppose I am, but in the previous paragraph, I am looking at personality types rather than activities and draws. The bottom line is this. We live in a glass house - fragile, yet absolutely glorious. Let's try to avoid those little rocks that are far too easily thrown, yes?
The world of chat:
So, now you've done your research, watched quietly to get a feel for the room, it's inhabitants, and how the protocols fall into place. You've decided that it is time to venture into public eye, and with shaking hands, have typed out a rather nervous greeting. Waiting with pounding heart for a response. A word of advice? Pick a time to make your debut when the chosen venue is not very crowded. A busy chat room can move far too quickly for a nervous newcomer, and to be honest, you would most likely get lost in the crowd. If your greeting is not immediately acknowledged, take heart! 'Tis most likely simply a fact that it was not seen. Try again. Remember, at that point, you are still a stranger. Most often welcomed with smiles and kind words, but still… you are in their home. Respect it, and respect yourself enough not to get feelings hurt right off the proverbial bat if you are not greeted enthusiastically and immediately.
I might even go so far as to say to only stay a very short while on that first official visit. Half an hour to an hour is enough to settle your nerves and make some contacts that you would feel comfortable speaking with again. On your next visit, seek out those who were open, friendly, and offering of help and advice. Whatever you do, do NOT scene on your first few visits. All this will do is cloud the issue of trying to find more than simply sex. If you were only after sex, you would not still… be reading.
Warning signs:
After a few visits, or perhaps even the very first, you will most likely be approached by what appears, to all intents and purposes, to be a dominant. In the chat world, a dominant is usually wearing an initial capital in their handle. This does not mean only dominants wear the cap, but it is a pretty good visual clue to orientation. Neither does it mean that ones portraying themselves as dominant, truly are. Intuition needs be sharp. Talk to Him/Her and ask questions. Most of that initial "touch" should be played out in public. If someone wants to pull you to private right away, there may be motivations there you are not privy to. If a dominant is sincere, He/She will not have any problem with discussion in public.
Watch and listen carefully. See if this person is focusing on you, or focusing on "playing to the room" in an effort to garner appreciation for His/Her words. If the latter… my advice is to smile and thank them for their attention while moving away from deeper discussion. This person is more interested in looking good and stroking their own ego than finding out about you. Avoid the temptation of moving to private messages too soon. In that environment, you are highly vulnerable, and a Predator can take advantage of your inexperience.
The DOMLY Dom:
Be very aware of the "I am Domly Dom, hear Me roar" personality. This type of player uses the natural submissive tendencies to manipulate and take one down a road they may not wish to travel, or may simply not be ready for. It is okay to politely refuse ANY approach. You are submissive, that does not mean you are suddenly without rights, thoughts, opinions, and intelligence. Give this one a wide berth. There are too many good dominants out there who are worthy of your time and perhaps… eventually… your submission.
The Romeo Dominant:
This dominant has all the poems of the romantic poets memorized (usually poorly spelled and formatted), and plies you with flowery phrases and cloying praise for every look, gesture, and word you bestow upon Him/Her. This type of dominant is perfect for the needy submissive, but a bit much for other types. However, to be fair, this type of dominant is usually very loyal, and easily hurt. I tend to think of this type of dominant as a gentle, easy going Dom/me who loves romance and yet has a draw to more than simple romantic vanilla encounters.
The New Dominant:
The new dominant is very much like yourself. A bit unsure, and without the necessary experience to travel a path with another on the same level. Everyone needs to start somewhere, and often this type of dominant is wonderfully refreshing as preconceived ideas and "traditions" are not fully ingrained. But a new dominant is much better off with an experienced submissive, and you are better off with a more seasoned dominant.
The "Deity" Dominant:
Och… this one is hard to gauge. I liken Him/Her to the "no one can dominate me" submissive. This one has a tremendous ego, and is used to getting His/Her own way. Often, there will be the subtle patronization in tone and action lurking just under the surface. The only kind of submissive this type of dominant respects are the very strong subs who give as good as they get. And like the undomable subs, once this one commits, it can be… exceptional, but I would give Him/Her a wide pass until/unless you have your skills and abilities honed to razor sharpness. You will need to remain on your toes with this One, but the ride… is extraordinary.
The Player Dominants:
And then there is the out and out player. This Man/Woman has a need for control, and it does not seem to matter who feeds it, it simply must be fed. There are a couple of player types, but I will focus on two. The sly player and the open player.
The "sly" player is one who works in shadows - often having at least one submissive collared or near to collared. He/She expects that submissive to maintain loyalty and respect and does everything to ensure the submissive lives up to the Dominant's expectations. The problem occurs when the dominant is doing the exact opposite in shadow. Seeking to draw other submissives to Him/Her. Often playing the "I am not happy, but I don't want to hurt her/him by leaving," or the "there are issues that would cause him/her much pain were I to leave. It's just for a short while, honest. Then Wwe can be together." Never planning on moving beyond fun and games to real commitment.
This type of dominant is the greatest threat to the "needy submissive" because he/she wishes so desperately to believe that the words become all... and the inconsistencies fade to the background as the One spins His Web of Words. Words not heartfelt but, memorized, to achieve a desired goal… to elicit a desired response...to brush a pre-set trigger. This type is as likely to be speaking the exact same words of love and commitment to another, not ten minutes after parting from time with you.
The "open" player is a bit different. This type makes no bones about His/Her desire to play without commitment - to simply enjoy the activities of BDSM. There is not… anything wrong with this IF all parties are aware, and accept the casualness of the meetings. The problem occurs when a submissive begins to think they can… change Him/Her. It does happen, but it is rare. Don't… expect to change them, the odds of that happening are slim to none, and the odds of heartache significantly higher. As a new submissive, many feel that they should "play" before settling, and this I agree with, but a newly vulnerable heart is prime for wanting more. This type of Dom/me is usually a VERY effective Top, and the draw can be intense. Be very careful, hearts are at stake here… mainly, yours.
...And in conclusion:
So, in summary, 'tis far better to have a deep understanding of what and who you are before moving to fulfil that need growing inside. Yes, there are a lot of nuances that will only become clear once experience is gained - both good experiences and those which teach through emotional pain. Emotional pain is NEVER good. And while it is impossible to avoid at times, if you are at the beginning stages of a relationship, and the pain outweighs the pleasure, you might do well to look more closely at whether or not it is… worth it.
This path you are embarking upon has the potential to reach deep within you, and take you places you have never dreamed possible. And like anything truly worthwhile, it takes emotional strength, love, confidence and most especially, work.
And remember, don't rush into anything. Move at your own pace, and only at your pace. Do not allow yourself to be pushed. Just because you are a submissive does not mean you submit to everyone, or even… anyone. Please, I urge you to look deeply before simply jumping into the abyss.
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