One problem in our community I've noticed often is how poorly submissive men tend to be treated by other male and to a lesser extent female Tops. I know several times I've been told by Dommes how much they like me simply because I'm nice to their subs! That always has confused me. I was taught from an early age to get along and respect others, even if they were somehow "different" from me.

The more I got to talking, the more I realized that unfortunately there are those who look down upon male submissives. I talked with two local Fem Domme friends to get their opinions on why this happens. One of them is a woman named Terry who created and maintains the Male Submission web site. The other is a woman named Sandra who created and runs the Frugal Domme web site and runs her own discussion group in Modesto, California (located about 70 miles east of San Francisco).

Terry had this to say. "Their counterparts (i.e. Male Doms) look at a male sub as being a whimp, or a 'less than manly' thing. They feel jeopardized." Sandra concurs and made an interesting point, saying " I think it's because men are often insecure, and seeing other men submitting to women makes them doubt that they can hold power over a woman." Sandra goes on to allude to some het male Doms' homophobia, saying "A lot of het men feel that male submissives must be really, secretly gay....and homophobia is not uncommon even in the scene." Sandra mentioned cross dressers as an example of this; how most heterosexual male Doms will avoid talking to them.

Terry also observed that submissive men "put out this signal that invites others to look down upon them.. one that implies embarrassment, or the inability to come to terms with this 'need' to submit and I think it gets translated some how. Most men have a problem with "acceptance" because they hold it up to the light of society and it fails."

Sandra alluded to this too by using the analogy of wolf packs; that any dog or wolf in a pack that shows any sign of weakness will get ripped to shreds by the other pack members. She also points out that in this society it's not considered "politically correct" for a man to submit to a woman' and yet on the other hand it's traditional for a woman to "submit" to a man, even if that is not considered politically correct either!

Female Dommes may also treat male submissives poorly, though to a lesser extent than male Doms. Terry points out that usually "most of the women that have that feeling are man haters. Or they've been abused by a man, some where along the lines."

With that in mind, I asked both women what advice they would give to male subs to avoid being treated poorly.

Sandra was right to the point in saying "I would say refuse to take any shit from a male Dom!" hehe. Terry had this to say. "One of the things that I try to teach my subs is to be PROUD of who they are; that it's OKAY to be a Captain of commerce in the day light... and equally okay to be a submissive in the night!" I like that philosophy.

I also spoke about this issue with a local friend and long-time scene member who has either lived with or been married to a Domme for several years. I've always been impressed with his intelligence and sharpness about a lot of non-scene issues, and ones that have NOTHING to do with BDSM! Do I discount what he has to say about running your own company or how to best deal with an ageing parent simply because he's a submissive? If I do that, then I'm ignoring some damn good advice; only a fool would do that.

I think the bottom line for any male sub to avoid being mistreated is to respect yourself.. again be proud of who you are and don't look down upon yourself! If you show that you respect yourself, most who don't like male submissives will probably not bother you and move on to someone they can intimidate. Even though I am a Dom, I've always felt that male submissives are courageous. They freely admit to enjoying something that goes against the grain of society.. submitting to a woman!