Looking Out for Number One
Author: Kayla
Filed in: responsibility
I've been around the BDSM community for a number of years and have had my fair share of meeting new people for potential play/relationship consideration. Over time I’ve put together my own personal rituals for meeting new people, most of whom I’ve met via the Internet. As this topic comes up often on various discussion groups I belong to I decided to write an essay detailing my thoughts on the topic. To that end, here are some of the safety tips I practice and or offer to newbies I’ve met in my travels.Insist on a Safe Word: (subs/bottoms)
If the dominant says you don't need one, it's time to move on. No safe word practices can work for established couples, but for new partners, there is no possible way for the top to know EVERYTHING they need to know about a bottom.
Background Checks: (both parties)
This is an iffy topic. If your potential new partner belongs to a community, you can post a request for references to a community list and see what you get. I don't see a lot of value in following up with personal references given to you by your potential partner.
Why?
Well - if you were applying for a job, would you provide names of people who would give you a bad reference? I wouldn't.
A Note here About Organized BDSM Communities.
Not everyone WANTS to belong to them regardless to whether or not they have access to one. Many people feel their BDSM interests are personal and have no need to join up with the various communities that abound us these days. Though for myself, I enjoy community groups, I have yet to meet a dominant via a community activity. If I were to follow the ‘if he’s not in the community he is not safe’ school of thought, I’d still be sitting at my computer dreaming of my first play experience.
I rely more on my conversations with people. I never play with someone until I've known them a while online. Yes you can pretend to be anything you want to be behind a keyboard, however, if you listen to the other party and keep track of what they are talking about you will soon see cracks in the veneer if they are a bit nutty. I try to carry on chatting for about a month prior to agreeing to meet/play. It's amazing how many do not make it past the first week or two.
Safe Calls: (both parties)
Both parties should set up safe calls of some kind on a first meeting. I also suggest that real names/addresses and drivers license numbers be exchanged prior to the meeting. The license numbers should be checked AT the meeting and they should match up. If the license numbers do not match, leave the meeting immediately.
Exchanging this information will not save your life necessarily, but it will provide the police with helpful information if you do not return home safe and sound. To assure confidentiality, I tell my safe call partner where the other person's information can be found (on my computer or printed and hidden in my home). If they don't hear from
me at the scheduled time, they know where to go to get it.
Know What the Heck You are Going to be Doing: (mostly submissives)
Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on how procedures are safely carried out. Know about sterile procedures, acceptable time frames to keep clamps on your body and any other procedures that you expect to participate in. Make sure you get your information from more than one source and there is usually more than one answer to most safety
oriented questions.
If, once you begin to play, your new partner isn't working within the parameters that you have decided are safe, speak up. Ask why the procedure is being done that way, explain why you are asking. Do not accept guilt trips. "You don't trust me?" "I told you I've been doing this for 40 years, I know what I'm doing.". If the scenario doesn't feel right - Stop it. Embarrassment is much easier to cope with than permanent injury or death.
Insurance: (both parties but perhaps most important to dominants)
Keep logs of your chats/emails. Ensure there is a way to match the online nickname to the person's real info (ie have them send you their contact information via the same email addy they used for your regular contact).
Why?
IF after all is said and done and your new partner turns out to be a nutball, you have some kind of evidence to show that you entered into your play scene in good faith and that you understood from the other party that you were indulging in consensual play.
Married or Single? (both parties)
It’s amazing how easy it is to hook up with a married partner. There is an incredibly high percentage of BDSM participants who are married and whose spouse isn’t interested in their kink. I sympathize with these people but they are not exactly in situations that are going to be beneficial to me. I don’t want or need to play with a married partner. But how do you avoid being deceived by the married person seeking a partner.
There are signs, some subtle, some not so subtle. And there are always excuses and reasons why these signs are there. Look for the following, ask ‘why’, listen to the answers. Do they make sense? Are there too many excuses? If so, you are risking your safety (physical and emotional) if you turn your head to these red flags:
- You only have contact (telephone/computer/face to face) at certain times of the day
- You have no proof of real name
- You have never been to your partner’s home
- Your partner cannot play evenings and weekends
- You only play at your house or outside or at a hotel
- You only have access to their cell phone
- Play-dates are suddenly canceled (too often)
- You see perfume, make up, opposite sex’s clothing in their vehicle.
- You are ‘not allowed’ to leave marks, even ones that can be hidden with clothing.
- You meet in obscure, out of the way places
- You partner never stays overnight with you
- You are rarely ever able to plan ahead
Above all trust your gut. If something doesn't ring true, cease and desist. There are many `safe' players out there, if one potential partner doesn't work out, there will be others down the road. The goal here is to have a safe and fun experience. Take your time, get a good knowledge base under your feet, talk to your potential partner about more than just your fetish interests and then prepare yourself for a very exhilarating experience. It's worth the time to play it safe.
(Original essay from: http://www.kaylasniche.com/)
Published on this site with permission
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