Returning to Vanilla
Author: luna[KM]
Filed in: general knowledge, vanilla
Could you please tell me of any sites that I may check into on the transition from a D/s relationship back into a vanilla relationship? I find myself with that dilemma now. And it is very difficult the feelings, the expectations the changes the differences. How does one find their way back to being in a happy healthy fulfilled vanilla relationship? How does one deprogram?Interestingly enough, this question while it seems peculiar is one that brings a lot of thoughts to mind. Are you programmed to begin with to be in a D/s relationship or is it something that is a part of you? I believe as with many others you are born this way. If that is the case, you can go back to vanilla, but a part of you will always be unfulfilled and therefore always unhappy. Some people identify a need to have certain conditions met in order to achieve other conditions. They need a power exchange to feel happy and secure. Others use various aspects of BDSM in addition to their normal relationship, they can be perfectly happy without any BDSM activities although they do make things more interesting. Is the activity a fetish, do you need certain behaviors in order to feel fulfilled? That's the underlying question that should be asked.
Something else to consider; every couple defines power exchange when they build a relationship together. She controls the check book because he spends recklessly is an excellent example. It's not kink related, it's a practicality. However, what this means is that power exchange is part of a normal relationship and there for is "Vanilla" in this context. You may not need to remove the power exchange; you may need to redefine the boundaries of the power exchange in regards to what it affects and to what degree each party controls specific areas. I can't imagine this being a sit down and completely resolve over dinner issue, this is probably a trial and error over time to solve the problem situation.
The power exchange comment can be extended to include other activities as well. There are a lot of people that don't consider themselves to be "Kinky" as defined by general idea of what a BDSM lifestyle but they still playfully spank, pull hair or even get out the scarves for some spice. It might be possible that the original author is really asking to just tone down the activities. In fact that may be a solution, to tone down the activities until a happy medium is found if this is an existing relationship.
If this is a new relationship then the question offers a whole different line of thought, perhaps the author needs to examine how they approach a new relationship. When each relationship begins what do they expect to find? Do they start a relationship "Vanilla" and then introduce kink or do they just jump right into the kink activities they prefer? Perhaps the solution is to start relationships in a "Vanilla" mind set and then add elements as needed. So called "Vanilla" couples have been known to play with handcuffs on occasion, maybe this "Vanilla" relationship will get out candles or rope? It's a true test of how much a person really needs their kink related activities, in my opinion. "Vanilla" is subjective, how far can you go before "Vanilla" is considered Kink?
"Programmed Behavior" I'm assuming means behavioral modification. Lesser extremes can easily be reversed by making conscious effort to observe and correct their own actions. Example, building the habit of needing to ask permission for everything can be countered by deciding to do things and each time reminding yourself not to ask permission. A person is capable is doing some basic behavioral modification on your own, often referred to as self discipline. This is usually a solution over time situation, you can't honestly expect because you decide to stop doing something you where trained to do overnight, but you can reasonably expect the frequency of occurrence to decreases over time. Think of this category in terms of breaking a bad habit or reinforcing a good habit by actively thinking about and doing what you want instead of what you don't want.
More extreme behavior modification may require long term solutions to correct. Example would be if a person is trained to achieve an orgasm on command, only by that command and only if the command is issued in context by a specific person. In a case like this the person may help to reverse the behavior modification because of how much modification was needed to achieve the goal. If the trainer/programmer is still and active person in the relationship then a process of encourage the person to break the rule and behave counter to the programming may work. In the example above the trainer might give permission to orgasm when they are ready and then reward for doing so without a command. Again, it would be a slow process.
Of course that if my opinion. However I would suggest if they believe that they were programmed or brainwashed into this lifestyle, that a religious person or therapist that is against BDSM would be the place to start with the "deprogramming". My best advice is to seek out a professional in either of those professions for assistance. I don't think anyone currently in the lifestyle would be able to offer much help in their quest. Be true to thyself. Can you live without kink in your world? I know a lot of people who are able to put their kink in a closet and be wildly content with a vanilla life. I know others that left the vanilla world behind and struck out a new path for themselves.
Whatever you do, make sure it is what YOU want. Don't suppress yourself for a vanilla mate. And don't walk away from a good thing just because you want kinky sex. FIND that which makes you happiest and live that life.
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