What Should a Dominant be?
Author: Lord Wolf
Filed in: dominance, definitions
A few personal speculations about the lifestyle and those who participate in it...what follows is my opinion and in no way states Mine is the only path to follow. there are many differing opinions out there and I suggest you seek them all. I use the male pronoun as I am MALE though a Dom or Domme is male or female. For expediency I will use the Word "Dominant" to describe what I see as The "Dominant/ Top/Dominatrix/Domina/Sadist/Master/Uber person" aspect Of what it is we do. And I will Be using the Term "Submissive" to describe the Submissive/Bottom/Slave/Puppy/Kajira and all of the other various forms of minion.That clear what should a Dominant be? The question can only be answered individually, by both submissives and Dominants alike. But here is my rendition of what a Dominant should be.
The Dominant should be in control of himself first and foremost, He is confident, caring, and understanding, He does not allow ego to get in the way of learning, both about himself and his submissive, he knows how to love, And how to cherish the gift given to him.
When the Dominant meets a new submissive He is kind and guiding without demanding ritual of Her, He does not demand respect, he earns it, He explores her mind first, learning her strengths, He does not seek to seduce her, but gets to know her as a person first, building a relationship, slowly discovering if there is to be one.
If He is a Good Dominant he does not do this to gain another submissive, but because he is able to befriend someone, without the trappings of sexuality, He is not a predator, but a teacher, willing to pass his knowledge with little or no reward, but the pleasure of knowing he can, and the satisfaction of helping someone define their own path.
If the time comes when she offers herself to His service, The Dominant is the first to question her decision, to ask her to look into herself and discover if He is what she really wants, He is the first to mention Safety, to volunteer References, and to tell her to seek more, He supports safe calls and public meetings first, her safety is foremost in His mind at this beginning.
If He decides to take the submissive into service, he is the first to mention negotiation, to offer his own personal information, He realizes the danger she could be placed in the wrong hands, and seeks to Guide her in protecting herself, He does not dismiss her worries, for he knows her risks are all to real.
He Knows his safety also depends on Honesty, on communication, He is at first only as protective of himself he needs to need be, But open and Honest about his life, tastes, what he expects, he knows that she will be taking a leap of faith, and is supportive of her.
To possess her he Knows he must first earns her respect, to do this He must prove he is what he says he is, that he cares for her, that he would push her limits only to build her strengths, that he is willing to spend the time to learn her as a Person first, then as a submissive, He knows how wonderful this gift is that she offers, and is willing to live up to her trust in him.
To this end, He talks with her, learning her secret needs and desires, and in turn expressing his own, always ready to affirm her worth, to him, and to herself, increasing her confidence in herself, and in the gift she gives, gently pushing her limits to show her she can be more than she feels she is, that she can go farther than she ever thought possible, Slowly opening the flower of her submission, coaxing her passion for him into full bloom.
If she lacks self esteem he shows her he respects her, and finds her worthwhile to devote his time to, He shows her she has beauty in his eyes, thus she is beautiful, He focuses on her strengths, to show her of her own power, He softly explains that the gift she gives is the most wonderful gift of all, Herself He takes the time to learn her Soul, before thinking of learning her body, as the Dominant learns his new submissive, a connection takes place. allowing Him to sense her desires, her needs, her passions. With this new knowledge, the Dominant is able to take his Submissive to new heights of pleasure, to guide her, walk with her as they, together seek new levels of love and fulfillment.
In taking a submissive into his service the Dominant takes on many responsibilities, He pledges to Help Guide her in her path, not only in the bedroom, but in life, He pledges to be there for her when she needs Him, to care for her, ease her pain when she is depressed, comfort her when she is ill, assist her in overcoming her fears and worries, to hold and Love her when she needs affection.
He does this Because he can, for this is his gift to her, Her gift given willingly, his returned with joy, He seeks to understand her mind, to gaze into her soul, because only then can the two become more than each can be as individuals. she is his most precious possession and he strives to prove his love, much the way she will, everyday.
The Dominant does not seek to change His submissive into what he wants, but revels in the chance to show her what she can become, He enjoys showing her those strengths she already possesses, and guides her only, helping her to grow into the person she wishes to be, coaxing her into finding her own path, but never stating outright what that path should be, although once found, He will keep her to her task, gently pushing her to become the woman He Knows she can be.
Is there a profile of the perfect Dominant? I think not, perfection is something we all strive to obtain, but never reach, it is the struggle to find perfection that makes a Good Dominant. There is no one description of a Good Dominant, Like art Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so no viewpoint is wrong, merely different, all that can be said is that a Good Dominant should have Good qualities, that include Strength, ability, confidence, control, the ability to learn and the presence of mind to know that he can always learn more. He should be Loving, encouraging, Honorable and chivalrous, he should respect people and cherish those who fall within His thrall and show the respect to others that he himself wishes to be shown.
The Dominant should be sure of himself, and in that confidence not think that to build himself he must look down upon others, he should be sure of his Ideals, but not so sure that His way is the only Path, he can allow others to follow their own paths, no matter how different, without ridicule, If he witness's a wrong or a danger he seeks to right it, But without pressing the view that his way is the only one, only expressing the danger of another's action or offering his assistance to help guide them out of danger.
He knows the difference between Punishment and play, Between Pain and Sensation He never exerts his power in anger, He never brings anger and hostility into a Scene, He does not use this gift to vent his anger, but leaves outside concerns outside, He knows that to control others he must first master himself.
He can exercise his art to help his submissive become the woman she has always been, deep within her spirit. He takes her gift of submission seriously, knowing that it is not given blindly or lightly. He always remembers how precious the gift is, how rare it is, how beautiful it is. For she has given him something that cannot be taken, but must be given, the gift of herself, her soul, and the Dominant should cherish that Gift, as the rare jewel it is.
The submissive should be firm in her conviction, She offers herself to the Dominant freely, of her own choosing. She gives the gift of her submission in exchange for his love, care, Knowledge and protection. She obeys because she chooses to, not because she is forced to .
She comes to him a woman, but unsure of her role. seeking His guidance, quick learn what is expected of her. With this learning, and as he opens Himself to her, she begins to give more of herself, of her soul, her secrets, until all the two can share is learned, Building their relationship, sharing their secrets and souls, so they may walk this path together. There is no power lost, no control wrested from her, she gives willingly, the Dominant giving of himself until An immense measure of trust is built between the two, the sub must trust her Dominant completely in order to give him so much of herself, and the Dominant must trust the sub in order for him to accept her and her gift.
"Training" (just another word for teaching) is only the process of learning what the individual Dominant desires. The sub must learn when to kneel, how to sit to please her Dominant, how to address her Dominant, and so on. She does these things because she wishes to, she wish is to please her Dominant in all ways possible. Even the most "bratty" submissive comes to know just what is expected of her and what her Dominant's limits are.
It is said By some that the Dominant holds all of the control, and in some ways he does, but this is a consensual relationship, The dominant holds control, only as far as the Submissive is willing to go, He may Push her limits, But for the pleasure of both, the Submissive can walk away at anytime, hard as that maybe, If the Dominant loses sight of her needs. Some observe that because of safe words the submissive holds the reins, But the Question I ask is this, Who is the the one the submissive comes to for this experience? So who is in control?
It is said that the submissive has no responsibilities, that the Dominant holds all the responsibilities; however, deeper observation shows otherwise. many of the submissives responsibilities are so subtle as to be overlooked. She must please her Dominant, She must act as He would wish, as her every action reflects on Her Dominant, She must uphold his Honor, as He Must Uphold hers and protect her.
She must have Faith and Trust in her Dominant, Just as he must prove her trust well founded, She needs the strength of will to Know when Her Dominant is acting in Her best interests, and be willing, without embarrassment, to Do as he asks her within her limits, because that is what her Dominant wants, and what she wishes, to please him she would do that which seems Difficult and even embarrassing at the time, She must not Follow blindly, But see that what her Dominant asks of her is for the pleasure of them both.
At times the Dominant may understand that the sub can go farther that she thought, and with the use of safewords, he is able to take her there. For the beginning of all relationships it is most important to abide by the perceived limits, it must be taken slowly.Because at this tender period, If a safeword is used and the Dominant does not heed the sub's perceived limit, then an important trust is broken.
The use of safewords should be stressed in any new relationship so that the trust and understanding are able to grow. With time and understanding, however, the two can reach a point where the Dominant knows how far the sub can go physically, emotionally, and spiritually and the sub can come to trust her Dominant's decisions.
Even then a Safeword is still an important safety net, It can be dropped in session, But a worthy Dominant Still holds the value of using safewords in new and uncharted territory, even in a Long standing and trusting relationship, The caring Dominant Knows he cannot read minds, even if he knows His submissive extremely well.
The submissive has a wonderful role to live with the right Dominant. With him, she will grow emotionally and spiritually into what she wishes to become, learn to love freely and unconditionally and find the true power deep within her. The Dominant also becomes the man he feels within his soul, proud to be able to walk the honorable path of Teacher, Poet, Warrior and Protector, Proud of his charge and the pleasure she brings him, together the two will embark on a journey that will take them out of the realms and limits of society and into the timeless dimensions of the Universe.
Related Essays
- by
- Knights vs. Gods by Master Eso
- Irresponsible Masters by Mystik
- Defining the BDSM Lifestyle: The Essential Prerequisite by Polly Peachum and Jon Jacobs
- Defining the BDSM Lifestyle: The Essential Prerequisite, part 2 by Polly Peachum and Jon Jacobs
