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Why staying "in the closet" isn't necessarily a bad thing

Author: Phrodeaux

Filed in: family, bdsm, acceptance, approach, in the closet

The question often comes up when I'm with other BDSM-oriented friends: "What do your family and friends think?

The answer, for us at least, is simple: "We've never brought it up."

We're not ashamed of our BDSM proclivities. Far from it! We're both very overjoyed that we've found each other, and part of us wants to scream to the world that this is what a happy, healthy, sensual relationship looks like. But, the thing is, most people don't want to hear that.

I know that if most of my friends came up to me and started telling me how wonderful their sex life was, I'd be only too happy to talk about it with them. However, most people aren't like me. Indeed, I suspect that a lot of my friends who're in long-term-relationships are... well, "repressed" may be too harsh a word. Still, talking openly about sex, let alone our kinky sex life, would be more than a bit much for them.

So far as our parents go... well, just as I don't care to know the details of their sex life, I suspect they don't care to know the details of ours. They know we're sexually active and they're happy to leave it at that.

Mara wears her Dreamstrike stainless-steel collar 24-7, and it's not exactly subtle. I wear a ring with a BDSM symbol on it, and have been known to wear a flogger when I'm in renn-faire garb, so there're certainly plenty of not-so-subtle hints being given. Mara even has a tendency to sit on the floor next to my chair when we're at friends houses rather than in a chair herself. So there're certainly clues for those who want to see them!

We've had a few friends ask and I give them the standard, "Well, are you certain you want the answer to that question?" before giving them the details. All of them are still friends, so I suppose we haven't scared anyone away yet.

Simply put, BDSM as a lifestyle doesn't necessarily neccessitate a "coming out of the closet" moment like being gay does. If you're gay and are being affectionate with your partner in public, it becomes obvious that you're not part of the standard gender paradigm. But BDSM relationships don't necessarily advertise themselves in public. They often meet the conservative "one-man-one-woman" standard of relationships, so you can even be a card-carrying Glenn Beck fan if you want!

If you want to be "out and proud" about your BDSM relationship, I say, "Go for it!" But if you don't, I don't see where that's really much of a problem either. Just don't be ashamed of it!

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