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Coming out of the Closet

Author: dark whisper

Filed in: leather, lifestyle, outting, family

I recently found myself in the unique position of having to try to "explain" dominance and submission. One afternoon, out of the blue, I wrote to my sister and told her not only that I was a submissive woman, but that I had a Master… and this website. I invited her to come look through the site so she could have a better understanding of who I had become since we last saw each other.

It had been four years, and a lifetime of experiences. I'm still not sure why I chose that moment in time to express to her that I was "kinky." ~a soft laugh and shake of my head~ Perhaps I suddenly felt alone without the support of my family, perhaps I wanted to share my joy with her about my new life, or perhaps it was because of other issues that plague me when I allow them to raise their ugly heads. I might never know for sure.

After the mail was sent, I felt liberated in a way I never had before. I had made a stand for what I believe in, and it felt great. Until the doubts set in. What if she thought I was nuts, or worse, sick?

It took her over a week to respond. I knew she's been to the site as the counter picked up her ISP information and there was no doubt it was her. So I waited. When the email came, I opened it with slight trepidation.

Her first thought was that something had "happened" when I was a child. She has different memories of childhood than I do, but I'm not sure if that is because of the age difference (she is 6 years older than I) or if it is because I was, in her eyes, the favored one so I didn't have the same issues. There are some questions about what she went through, but in all honesty and fairness, I never saw anything that verifies any major problems.

I had a fairly normal childhood… a good one from most standpoints. There was no abuse, no major traumas outside of the normal things in today's society. I was an all around typical kid. But even then, there was this need to be loved and petted… to please, to be found pleasing. Now, of course, I realize that was part of my submissive nature, but it fought with the equally strong need to be thought of as grown up and responsible.

Be that as it may, I was not abused (I did have an uncle whom I think would have loved to get his hands on me, but he didn't aside from trying to french kiss me every chance he got).

Her second thought was to ask if it was because of recent developments in my health. No, that has nothing to do with my need to give myself wholly to my Master, but since she didn't know how long I have known I was submissive, it wasn't a surprising question.

So, with my heart in my throat, I found myself telling her what D/s is NOT about - wanting to dispel some of those media untruths that abound. I explained that it was not about pain, but about reaching inside and finding release. It was not about manipulation, but surrendering to the control and will of another because that is what truly fulfilled me. It was not about dehumanizing, but rather about building up and growth, learning and teaching, sharing and giving. It was not about returning the world to the ways of the 1950's domineering household, but a relationship built on deep trust and respect for the PERSON, not the gender.

The details of my relationship did not come into play, as those details are private and would only confuse someone outside of the lifestyle. But I know she could see the serenity and happiness that practically oozed from each word.

I felt for a moment like I imagined it must have felt for a gay person to come out of the closet twenty years ago. Afraid, yet resolute that this is who I am, and wanting, no needing, for the only family I have left to understand - even if they don't embrace.

My sister came through for me. She now knows all about my Master, and my love and utter devotion to Him. She knows of my serenity and ease with the lifestyle I have embraced and now live. And I will forever be grateful to her for giving me the love and acceptance that only she could give.

I learned a very valuable lesson by leaving myself exposed and vulnerable. I learned that sometimes we simply have to step from the shadows and into the light… standing firm and being prepared for whatever might come. Our lives are our own, and we cannot live them for others, nor can we hide them in fear of being "found out." I'm not saying that everyone should know of my lifestyle, but for me, coming out has allowed me to let her see who I really am. And that can only… be a good thing.

Thank you, Denise. I love you.

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