One Woman's Views on Submission
Author: dark whisper
Filed in: submission
Who am I?
I have asked myself that question at least a thousand times, especially since I began to walk the path of submission. This path is not easily trod at times. It challenges one to move beyond perception, to the depth of the person inside. Who am I? I am a submissive woman. A woman who is strong, intelligent, successful, witty, a good friend, a loving mother, and one who only truly feels whole when serving the needs and desires of a Dominant Man.
Those deep, dark feelings.
What calls to me? What brings the sense of wonder and joy that is beyond anything I had ever before experienced? What settles warm one moment, and cold the next in the pit of my stomach, the depth of my soul? The need to serve. Serve� perhaps a euphemism for something else depending on one's own personal beliefs. Some might think the term "serve" is reserved for sexual activities� some might think for helpmate. The terms are fluid, as are the actions associated with them. Here, I choose to use them in a sexual, sensual manner.
Now I know that I just lost a good portion of my audience in the thought that I am not "really submissive" because to me, submission is most strongly evident in sensual and sexual situations; that Power exchange [to me] is most often displayed in areas that are likely to impact sexuality.
Is sex, or more specifically orgasm, required for submission and/or dominance? Of course not, but goodness, if it doesn't feel good, why do it? Having a dominant ~a thoughtful gaze~ or actually, having anyone control my every thought and action with no mutual benefit is manipulation, not dominance.
So many submissives I speak with seem to be under the impression that they aren't "real" submissives unless they only think of the pleasure of their dominant only. Erm� why? Of course, the first thought SHOULD be of one's dominant� the desire to please them becomes almost� frantic. But it is certainly not the only reason one serves. And to be honest, if I am not as foremost in His mind as He is in mine, then there is no reason to do this.
Submission is hard work. There is a very fine line here that is so very easy to step over. The line of becoming someone else by trying to mold to perceptions and expectations of what the One wants to see� rather than who you truly are, inside. Don't forget. The Dominant drew to you and wants to help you become the best that you can be. If they wanted someone else, they would not have drawn to you in the first place. You ARE good enough. You ARE strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, witty enough.... you are.
The danger within.
So how does one tread that thin line without falling into the abyss on either side? On one side yawns the wide chasm of living in a fantasy world, and the other, can be a lonely place where the real you is locked beneath layer after layer of protective skin - never letting anyone in deeply enough to see the real person beneath. A dominant's challenge is to reach that inner person and help bring her/him to the surface and allow the kernel to grow strong. It's not an easy task to reach one who is deliberately trying to hide.
I wish I could tell you how a Dominant does this, but to be honest - I don't know. I think it is like everything else in life. What works for one may not work for another, and it is up to those involved to find that balance that keeps the sharp edge in place without cutting someone to shreds.
I do know that communication is key to just about everything in D/s or in the vanilla world. But to be perfectly honest, I think it is FAR more necessary in D/s than any other relationship dynamic. We are talking about the exchange of power here. One willingly surrenders their own personal power to another, and the potential for disaster is great; but at the same time, the potential for extraordinarily fulfilling and beautiful growth is more likely here than anywhere else. The risks high, but the rewards can be indescribable.
Look before you leap.
Here comes the hard part. Because D/s is so emotionally charged, there is the urge to go too deep too soon. As a submissive, when I find One who is� erm� strong enough to actually Dominate me, then I simply need� to submit. It is not dissimilar to a knee-jerk reaction to a doctor with his little reflex hammer (MmMmmm� a new toy perhaps?). Hit me the right way, and I jerk. Hit me the wrong way, and I'm likely to take off someone's head. ~sweet smile curving rubied lips� eyes dancing softly~
So it becomes imperative to understand some basic truths about yourself. You see, a submissive has certain traits that are not uncommon to most. Now, I am not stereotyping here, I'm simply stating that there ARE some things that are common. And while we would all like to think we are "unique" and are for the vast majority of aspects, there are some things that a Dominant is "used" to knowing� a preset bank of buttons if you will.
I've come to the conclusion that there are basically only a few different "types" of submissives (along with corresponding Dominants), and most will have crossovers from one type to another. Dominants also know this, and it is pretty easy to know which triggers to hit to elicit a specific reaction from a submissive if it is hit "just right." So what does that mean? That like as not, that "wonderful Dominant" who "sees me more clearly than anyone I've ever known," is one who is smart, and able to read triggers. What will happen, is that they will hit a button and sit back to see what happens. Most of the time, the Dom/me will have a pretty good understanding of the personality traits of a particular submissive and the known buttons that work with that type. If they hit the "right button" the "right way" then it is pretty much a cakewalk after that, and the submissive is reacting out of the emotions of having their needs met in such a spectacular way.
Don't get me wrong, a Dominant is SUPPOSED to see what triggers to pull and which buttons to push to get the desired results, but also be aware� there are those Dom/mes out there who make an art of deception and use these types of tools for less than honorable intentions. These are the Predators, and care needs be taken to understand how to spot them.
What I am hoping to do in this article is shed some light on some of the dynamics of submission and in reflection, on dominance as well. I suppose I'm trying to urge submissives to look a bit deeper before jumping into a relationship. To learn about themselves before trying to give themselves to One is necessary, otherwise a new relationship may not stand the additional strain of starting at ground zero.
So with that said, I've come up with my own list of "submissive types." Keep in mind, these are my own interpretations based on my experiences and I am sure that many will not agree with me, but� here is how I see it. ~lips twitching lightly as golden hued pools of greenish blue sparkle~
Submissive "Types":
- The Strong submissive: This type of submissive is usually pretty successful in the "outside world." She/he may be used to being in charge in the home or work environment, and it takes a VERY strong Dominant to earn this type of submissive's respect and gift of submission. She/he will argue and test to ensure that the Dominant isn't just a submissive in Dom/me's clothing, but a "true" Dominant who is capable of handling whatever is thrown at them with calm, rational strength. The potential for "topping from below" is minimized IF the right mix is found, but is a forgone conclusion with a Dominant who is unsure of Him/Herself.
- The bedroom submissive: This submissive truly only submits in sexual situations, and while she or he might have a lot of respect for their Dominant, the urge to "please" in all aspects of life is simply not that strong. This works well for them and their partners if both are on the same page. This type of submissive is no less "true" than any other. They ARE true submissives, but have more narrow boundaries.
- The "girlfriend/boyfriend" submissive: This is one of those you see most frequently in internet chat rooms. The ones who go through collars more often than most people change their oil. This type thrives on the "kinky sex" aspect and will attempt to "play" submissive because they like having their hair pulled or their bottom smacked (as long as it's not tooooo hard). I don't consider these women and men submissives, but since that's what they call themselves, I'm including them here. ~a slightly rueful laugh and shake of my head~
- The needy submissive: This person is constantly in need of strokes. Their egos are extremely fragile, and need constant reassurance. Most of these have ridden the circuit of "being played" on more than one occasion, and while they have been shown over and over where they need work on the inner person, they simply would rather have a Dominant "take care" of them. Unfortunately, this type of submissive attracts the wrong type of Dominant. They tend to attract the players and the Predators because, truth be told, they are so needy they simply believe everything told to them if the person doing the telling is a "Dominant" (this is evidenced most strongly in chat rooms where anyone wearing an initial capital on their handle is thought to be a Dom/me, and they sound really good to someone who "needs" that strongly).
- The SAM (smart assed masochist): These are what I call the "brat subs". They are a bit more than a boyfriend/girlfriend submissive because they understand what D/s is, and use it for their own ends. The counterpart to this type of submissive is the "player" Dom/me. The brat sub is always (again, using the model of the internet chat room) pinching, pouncing, having water fights, mouthing off, and trying to gain the attention of a Dominant through antics rather than through their natures. It is far easier to act out in hopes of a spanking than it is to do the work necessary to build a relationship. These SAMs are often surprised that no one takes them seriously besides other SAMs and player Dom/mes.
Alternatively, SAM can mean more of a bottom than a submissive. One who does not submit more than their bodies for the space of a scene, and like to "challenge" Dominants in order to get topped most effectively. - The "no one can top me" submissive: These are a stronger, smarter, sharper version of the brat sub mixed with the strong submissive. The main difference is this is a submissive who KNOWS what submitting is, and is savvy enough to "play the game." They tend to draw the stronger Dominants who love a challenge. When the right Dom/me comes along, these subs will submit with stunning depth. This type of submissive tends to have a very strong sense of self, and her/his masks and layers are glued on tight.
- The new submissive: Och. Here is a jumble of most types� mainly because they are just learning and have yet to understand who they are, or how to go about finding peace within this brand new world. The dynamics are much more complicated, and are better presented separately, but for here, 'twill be only a brief touch. The new submissive is especially vulnerable and will often vary widely in personality traits. In the realm of virtuality, these traits can manifest in a combination of several of the above singular "types." If you are a new submissive, I urge you to study and have a good understanding of just what it is you are getting into before jumping feet first into the abyss.
One thing to keep in mind is that people are mercurial, and depending on where they are in their lives and relationships, there might be several "types" all rising in direct opposition of each other. Even the strongest submissive can feel excessively needy if her/his needs and emotions are not being properly fed. This creates an especially challenging barrier for the Dominant to work past. One thing that is also necessary to remember is that even while one might appear to be one way, under a carefully donned mask, there could be someone entirely different.
Och, I've gone a lot further in this than I intended, but once I get on a roll, it's hard to shut me off. ~a soft flush of heated blood rising to paint her cheeks~
The bottom line is to be aware. Don't rush into any new relationship. Learn about who you are, and who that Dominant is who rocks your world before allowing yourself to tumble headfirst. The tumble can be very exciting IF there is someone there to catch you, but deadly if you've made a mistake, and only a dream stands with open arms.
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