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Every ROSE Has A Thorn: Honor, Respect and Protocol Amongst Dominants

Author: Norische

Filed in: dominance, rules, etiquette, protocol

Recently a submissive I was communicating with informed me that a Domme from Missouri, where I am from, told him that I was a fake. He would not give me the specifics but in general he stated that this individual accused me of being a fake and not knowing what I am doing.

After a little research and some probing I was able to find out who this individual was. A while back I belonged to a group and was made moderator of this group by the owner…who I shall call "Flower". I did not ask to be a moderator of her group nor was I interested in the position, but apparently she thought that by making me a moderator it meant she could control me or else she thought having me in that position it made her look better. I am not sure which concept was correct but to say the least at no time did she have control over me and unfortunately even I can only do so much… I can't perform miracles. The group consisted primarily of newer individuals or those that were just part time, anyone that had been in the lifestyle for quite a while moved on quickly. At first I didn't realize why most of the people in the group had been in the lifestyle less than a year, then it dawned on me…. Flower frowned upon those that were more experienced; she enjoyed individuals that almost worshipped her for her knowledge and skill…and if the individual had more knowledge, skill or experience than she did then she became uncomfortable. God forbid if you disagreed with her; she had zero tolerance when it came to informing her that she was wrong.

Flower informed all of her group that sex had absolutely nothing to do with BDSM or a D/s relationship. She felt that if there was sexual contact then it wasn't true BDSM it was just kinky sex. While there are some forms of BDSM that feel that a slave is beneath the Owner and hence it is improper for an Owner to have sexual relations with someone of lower social standing than one's self… Flower didn't mind having sexual contact with her slave…she just didn't want anyone else to have contact with his or her slave. The proverbial do as I say and not as I do syndrome.

When I challenged her opinion and stated that some individuals not only enjoy a healthy sexual life with their slave, but they actually have a slave just to have as a sex toy. Flower was repulsed and stated that a sex slave is nothing but a hooker that isn't good enough to get paid for it. I found her words to be quite disturbing and informed her that I did not agree with her assumption. The next thing I know she is on her group talking about how no real Dominant has sex with his or her slave unless they are married prior to entering into the BDSM lifestyle. Quite a few people argued with her over this point, a few were shot down as wannabees, a couple were informed they were just ignorant, two or three were banned from her group and in the end anyone that disagreed with Flower were either moderated to the point that their posts were not being published on the group or they were simply removed from the group. I wrote a letter to the group stating that I found Flower's comments to be hypocritical, bias, judgmental and ignorant…and since I was a moderator I passed my own message through to the group before she could moderate it. To say the least she blew up.

A few days later I found out from a friend of mine that she was telling people I wasn't a real Domme, that I was actually a submissive that just hadn't found the right Dominant yet. She also informed others that I was a wannabee and that I had no idea of what I was talking about. I of course ignored the rumors, and as time went on the rumors got more creative. Like for instance she claimed that I never really wrote the articles that I published that I just copied them off of other people and put my name on them. She justified her comment by saying anyone that pretends to know everything about everything apparently knows nothing about anything. Although her logic escapes me I am sure it made sense to her at the time.

After I heard that one I removed all of my work from her sight, all of my pictures and I wrote one last letter and posted it, then removed myself. For three years she has followed me around telling lies and spreading rumors and I have confronted her on many occasion about her slanderous accusations.

What is most disturbing is that I have since found out that I am not the only victim of her bruised ego. Flower has accused Dominants of drug abuse, rape, child abuse, stealing, lying, and infidelity… she uses her group to spread vicious rumors and lies about those that have a difference of opinion or stand up to her. Since all this began many people have been hurt, lives torn apart, and still she continues.

The fact that someone would spend so much energy to try and destroy someone else's reputation is rather disturbing to me. Where is the honor in her behavior, where is the respect, the dignity… to be frank…there is none.

Another example. Recently I began to get notices from the City about all kinds of things. One was there was a car that did not have license plates parked in my yard, this one was dropped when we showed the inspector the license plates, we had taken them off because we had already had someone steal one set and the car was not being used at the time so we wanted to make sure they were not going to be stolen again.

Another complain lodged was that there were mattresses and other "garbage" outside my home, well yes there was…some individuals were moving out and some were moving in…hence there were items being hauled in and out for days, again this one was dropped when the inspector found no evidence to support the claim.

Another was that there was guttering that was falling down and was to be considered a hazard. Well yes I had some guttering come loose but we had simply pulled it down and that was that. The inspector dismissed that complain because there is no ordinance stating that we have to have guttering, only that if we do have it, that it must be in good repair.

Another complaint was that there were too many people living in my residence. That one was dropped as well, since the individuals listed in the complaint had moved out month's prior, the inspector didn't even come out for that one.

Another was a out building was falling down and was considered a hazard. Well I have tried to tear that damn thing down I don't know how many times, it isn't going any were…concrete has a tendency to be that way. All I did was put a new tarp over the doorway, and the inspector said he didn't see a problem with it at all.

To be quite honest we sat and chatted with the inspectors and enjoyed a nice conversation, they were very pleasant and had no problems. After a few questions I found out that one individual had filled the complaints.

At the time I could only think of three possibilities, and I started making calls. I actually ended up only making one call, and was informed that the person had not made the complaints. I told him what was going on and who else I suspected. A few minutes later I received a call from one of the other individuals. This person was abusive, vulgar and threatening, telling me that if I ever contacted anyone associated with her again that I would regret it, then the person preceded to tell me the name of the individual that had made the complaints. Odd I could here him in the back ground but when I told him to come over and face me like a man and stop trying to play games he refused to talk to me or even tell me why he was going through all this trouble just to make a nuisance of himself. He stated that revenge was a dish best served cold and that if I didn't leave people alone that it was going to get worse. Well to say the least he has never showed his face to me, or informed me of this supposed "wrong" that I have done. Personally I think the wrong I did him had more to do with the almost 500.00 he owes me than anything else, what a way to get out of paying a legitimate dept. Unfortunately, the City is well aware of the circumstances as is the local police and that if he continues to complain that it is to be considered harassment and I have informed the City that if they assist him in this harassment then they will be involved in a lawsuit that they will not win. Since I informed the City of this individual's intentions and the fact that his name actually does appear on at least one of the complaints they have left me quite alone.

To be quite honest I have had one individual call the city stating I had bomb-making material in my house; it turned out to be soap making material. I even told the guys that if the stuff was dangerous in any way to take it with them, they laughed and refused… they did however want to know if they could take pictures of my dungeon, and we had a blast, they were full of questions and I was ready to answer anything they wanted to know.

Another time I had a young woman and her three teen-age kids staying with me for a few weeks. Social services was called by an "anonymous" caller; when the social worker showed up with the cops once again the complaint was dismissed. While the kids were minors, they were in no way exposed to my lifestyle, there were no floggers, whips, adult toys, pornography or even fetish items that the social worker or the cops could find. Everything that was lifestyle related had been stored away before the kids moved in and there was not even so much as a collar sitting around for them to see. In a lifestyle that is the blunt of society's scorn and ridicule all we have to justify our unique lifestyle is our honor. Safe, Sane, Consensual… Risk Aware Consensual Kink…. we use these words as a means to show those outside our world that we mean them no harm, that we are no threat to their genteel lifestyle and that we are well aware of our own choices and decisions. These words are our badge of honor; but what happens to these words when the individual behind the words has no honor within them?

As an Owner I put my reputation, my very honor on the line every time I open my mouth; how can anyone call himself or herself a Dominant when they have no honor. To be quite frank they can't. If someone is known to exaggerate, start or spread rumors, lie or make false accusations their words cannot be trusted, and in turn their actions cannot be trusted. If you cannot trust an individual then they have no place within the realm of BDSM. For our world is based on honesty, trust and honor.

When you step into this realm you must take on a new reality. As a Dominant you are an individual that will hold another's life, their sanity, their very soul in your hands. You control the physical, sexual, emotional, even spiritual well being of another creature and it is up to you to maintain that well being. If your words cannot be trusted then how can you build the trust necessary to maintain a healthy relationship? To build a relationship on lies is like building a castle in the sand, sooner or later things begin to fall apart and the relationship is doomed to crumble under its own weight.

Once one's honor has been tarnished it is very hard to rebuild one's reputation, and to gain back the trust that has been forfeited. For a new Dominant entering this realm there are several things that must be understood, honor, respect, and pride are of utmost importance…and the observance of these things will determine when and if you maintain a good standing within this community.

1. Never exaggerate, be as precise as possible. Exaggeration may make the story much more exciting but it clouds the truth and may make others question the validity of your statements.
2. Never lie. Your word is your honor, and in this realm your honor is all you have.
3. Never make false accusations. Sometimes we all get frustrated with the behaviors of someone, but do not make accusations that are not valid. Even valid accusations can be questionable if they cannot be proven.
4. Never accuse someone of illegal activities without pursuing it. If you are going to accuse someone of an illegal activity, for example rape, report the activity to the proper authorities. While I realize that less than 70% of the rapes that occur are actually reported to the authorities, if you are going to accuse someone of something along that line it is to your advantage to report it. If you choose not to report it then it appears that your accusations are false, that you are merely being vindictive or slanderous.
5. Never attempt to tarnish someone else's reputation. If the individual's honor is questionable then he or she will end up doing more than enough damage themselves. The proverbial give a man enough rope and he will hang himself.
6. Be honest and open. If asked a question make sure that you answer it honestly but also that you do not omit pertinent information. To leave out information can be as detrimental as lying.
7. Show others the respect that you wish them to show you.
8. If you think you have been wronged, then address the individual. Do not stoop to levels beneath you or try and get revenge.

We constantly face persecution from those outside our lifestyle. Why give those that do not understand us ammunition to hurt us?

Stand proud, live with honor, respect all.

As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is . If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at…. in the files section.

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