Common Sense
Author: Sean R. Powell
Filed in: newbies, general knowledge, d/s
My name is Sean and I have been actively participating in the D/S community for over 20 years. I have a published book available at Amazon.com (Sensual Intelligence....An Intimate Path Towards Personal Growth" by Sean R. Powell) which outlines how long term couples can explore their D/s personalities, and eventually express them within their relationship. So, you can be assured I have put a little more thought into my words than just a few good pick up lines. I reach out to both men and women who are exploring the world of Bondage Discipline Sadomasochism (BDSM) and Dominance Submission. I have a beloved and precious wife who is my submissive and we are monogamous, so there is no hidden agenda here. The bottom line to success in this type of relationship is the same as any .. COMMON SENSE.
COMMON SENSE means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what COMMON SENSE IS.
A SUBMISSIVE has to remember she is a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A DOM has to remember the same thing about himself as well as the submissive. A woman'/man's submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.
If you have never taken complete control of another person and experienced TPE, you are NOT A Dominant. But, you have dominant desires and urges, it is your nature or life experience has made you this way. You notice I use "A" that is because I am signifying an actual role in a D/S relationship. Since you were not born with the knowledge, techniques, skill and imagination REQUIRED to take control from a submissive. As a submissive, you have not had the experience and growth REQUIRED in total surrender of ALL control and power with a Dom/Domme, you are not ready to take the role on without learning the basics first. Here are a few baby steps you MUST take without skipping to a first meet and session:
1. Ask yourself and expect to be asked by many experienced people delving questions such as:
a. What do you expect to get from D/S or BDSM?
b. What draws you to it?
c. Why do you feel you can only fulfill your needs in a D/S relationship?"
You cannot possibly know what you want from another until you know what you wish to experience within yourself.
2. The next is to learn as much as possible about the choices opening up to you with BDSM. You can ask a thousand people within the community and they will give you a different answer for each question.
3. You will learn one universal truth, each couple creates their own definition of D/S and the roles they hold within their particular relationship. Do not be afraid to search for a partner who shares YOUR views, values and philosophy of D/S.
4. NEVER settle for less than what you know you want.
You will come across websites and Emails telling you how to tell if you are a Dom or a sub. NO ONE can tell you what YOU are. There are no easy answers and you should run from anyone who professes to know what you are or that they have the only definition of DS. You must decide for yourself if you are drawn to physical sensation to the point of extreme edge play or if you just want to play Tarzan and Jane. You must learn for yourself the differences between a Sadist, masochist, Dominant, submissive, Master, slave, Top, Bottom and where your needs fit into these options. And yes, there is a VERY large difference between them ALL.
The fact that you are reading this Email tells me that you are searching online for answers and possibly a person to share this experience with. This being true, I will tell you that in my personal experience online and in Real Time (you know, the world outside of the computer) there are 2 kinds of people you must learn to weed through out of the legitimate men and women you will meet:
PREDATORS and WANNABES - these cancers of our society are in all the chat rooms. They have found the Internet to be a happy hunting ground for the gullible and lonely. D/S is not the only areas you find them, but they are here and have picked up on just enough of the lingo to try to pass for legitimate, experienced D/S people. They want to meet you ASAP and often commit rape, assault, battery and extortion with the belief you will have trouble prosecuting a man/woman you agreed to meet in a hotel or gave all your info to. If you are married you are vulnerable as well to extortion and the like. A sadist in the purist form who has not grasped the idea of consensual play may hide under this as well. These guys also hang out in play clubs looking for an easy mark, it never changes. Many of these people (both male and female) are often pathological liars who live on the Internet spinning fantasies of their experience, their love for the woman who speaks to them and basically everything to keep you hanging. The end result is they often disappear after leading the woman on for months or meet her and have sex (get blowjobs as part of your submission) and then things fall apart afterward. Some feel they are harmless since all they do is lead you on with cyber sex and online D/S. These same people role play in rooms where they "cyber whip" and subs pour ale for their Masters. They often have profiles that sound like a passage from Dungeons and Dragons or Gor chronicles. Pretty much all they know of D/S is what they have read in books and played online. In R/T these people answer ads or run ads and often just are out to get sex from women they think are easy marks.
How do you avoid them? First thing is the warning signs:
1. INSTANT MESSAGES FROM STRANGERS - No self respecting, experienced Dominant or submissive would IM you without ever having established some rapport in a chat room. Predators, Wannabes and bored Snerts are the ones who IM you in an attempt to talk. They find you three ways. One, they just hit the "who's chatting" button for a room and then IM anyone they think is a female (many are too lame to read your profile). Two, they IM you from inside the chat room after they figure out who you are. Three, they do an advanced search for any and all women online with the key words "submissive," "D/S," "Surrender," etc.
2. CALL ME SIR!! - No experienced Dom/Master will tell you to call him Master or Sir, Lord without having met you and established a D/S relationship. To many in the D/S community this is equivalent to calling a man you met online, Husband. It is a position of respect and commitment not to be thrown around lightly. If you are talking to someone who is encouraging this title use and you have not met them in person and covered basics, you are with a Wannabe......period!!
3. ONLINE COLLARING and/or ASSIGNMENTS - I have seen an Email sent out by a "Dom" who gives assignments to his "sub" each day with the comment that "one day, they will meet." His contention is that if a woman does this or is attracted to doing these assignments, she is a submissive if not....? No one has any business giving you any orders or assignments without having established a foundation of trust and mutual knowledge of one another as people first. Real Doms don't demand or even want your submission after meeting only once. Real Doms get to know YOU and know that total submission takes time. The faster you are pushed for obedience, etc., the more your "common sense alarms" should be going off.
Beware of the "Mentors and Trainers" that abound on the Internet. This is another term for "let me use you without commitment." Do you need a mentor or trainer to "date" to find a boyfriend or a husband or spouse? NO -- Life teaches you -- and the same is true in D/s you will learn from many -- to "commit" to one, even as a trainer, is a committment you aren't ready to make. No one could have "trained" my wife/sub to surrender to me as I wish. You will find that there are many goodhearted people online who will freely share their knowledge and experience without the need for titles or blowjobs. Stear clear of those who put in their screen name and profile "trainer"...."mentor" . . . "protector". Anyone who knows their true value and the contribution they are making to you does not need a title. The real teachers out there are your peers, yourself, and the right person when the time comes.
If you are single, be cautious of all the married people who want a Dom/sub on the side. Use every means possible to be sure of the honesty of the person before you get caught up in their life. If you are married be honest about your position and be cautious of who you reach out to. You also need to define whether you are polyamorous or monogamous. Take every step possible to know where the potential Dom/sub you are talking to is coming from on these values and others. It is NOT part of your submission to sell yourself short, settle or be used.
To Doms/Dommes, I encourage you to admit to your inexperience and welcome any input you may get from all you speak to. There are social groups and societies in many metropolitan areas that offer classes and seminars on techniques to assure a safe experience for both you and your sub. Do not be afraid of being with an experienced sub. I had my first experiences with a woman of many years my senior and light years ahead in knowledge. I learned invaluable life lessons along with techniques that have served me well. Remember that there are REAL experienced Doms/Dommes and subs online who will catch on to any attempt to pass yourself off as well seasoned and OUT you to the new subs.
To subs, I encourage you to listen closely to all who caution you with safety issues above all else. Pay close attention to the warning signs of predators and wannabes. There are NO exceptions. No matter how nice and understanding a person seems, you got to listen to the warning signs. Beware of "Doms" who focus their search on NEW subs, there is a reason for it and it lacks nobility and honor. Invite a potential Dom/Domme into a chatroom where you have been a few times and let the others feel him out. Never let a "Dom/Domme" you have never met and have no committed relationship with you tell you that you cannot take IM's, you can't go into certain rooms and you must put that you belong to him in your profile. This would be a wannabe.
Last of all, to both Dom/sub . . . read anything you can and watch in the rooms that do not role play. Discussion rooms that take on topics and feel free to ask questions. Good luck and be safe. Please feel free to forward this to anyone who may benefit from it.
Sean and precious
Related Essays
- BDSM Tips for Beginners by Lady Green and Jay Wiseman
- Wannabe Infestation by Norische
- A Beginners Guide to Munches by Stu
- Advice to a Novice Dom by Washington Sexuality University FAQ
- How to Spot a Non-Dominant by COUNtess VelVEEta
