Learning to Be a Dom
Author: Master Demetrius
Filed in: dominance, newbies
Even though I'd had Dom impulses all my life, I still had to travel the same learning curve that any Dom does. It's one thing to have an impulse, and quite another to learn how to act on it effectively. That learning process is what this article is all about.Inexperience...
I got into the scene quite some time ago, and for the first several years I found myself playing
It's hard being the one in charge when you're still learning the ropes.
with people who were far more experienced than I was. That's actually a good thing -- a novice Dom playing with a novice sub is kind of like two virgins having sex with each other for the first time. Sure, it works, but it's usually better if at least one of the partners has been down the road before. It's like that with BDSM as well.
Looking back, I was incredibly lucky. My initial experiences were with my very first serious girlfriend, and they were extremely positive. After that relationship ended, some time passed before I pursued things again. However, over the years (yes, it took years!) I gradually got more and more involved in the scene.
Early on in my explorations, I was lucky enough to find a number of wonderful submissives who knew what they were doing and were willing to play with a relatively inexperienced partner. At that time, male Doms were in relatively short supply, so I was frequently described as "an investment for the future." I didn't mind being described that way at all.
I think in some respects, it's more difficult being a novice Dom than it is being a novice sub. Yes, I know there are subs who will beg to differ with that.
The reason I say it's more difficult is that it's hard being the one in charge when you're still "learning the ropes." Being a passenger in a car is much easier than taking the wheel for the first time.
(After you've been driving for a while, you can't imagine that it was ever that difficult to learn. However, watch the expression of someone in one of those student driver cars. That was you, once upon a time...)
For me, becoming a Dom certainly was a learning experience. I found myself exploring emotions and feelings that hadn't really seen the light of day before, and at first there were some strange contradictions to deal with. Perhaps the most basic contradiction was having to learn from my partners.
I found that even though I was expected to be the one in control of a scene, it was quite often my partner who had to guide things -- and that was a tough balancing act for me. I can imagine it wasn't very satisfying for my partners, either -- I learned much later just how important it is for many subs to be able to surrender control, and I realize now that not one of my partners back then could really do that, at least not completely. Fortunately, all my play-partners were very understanding, and they stuck with it.
(Hmm... try watching the expression on a driving instructor's face some time...)
... Insecurity...
The other reason that it was difficult for me was that I kept thinking of the fact that my partners had no doubt played with some of the most
My concern over those comparisons gave me the BDSM equivalent of male performance anxiety.
experienced Doms around, and I must have seemed like an inexperienced amateur by comparison. To be honest, I kind of obsessed on that a bit.
There's a commercial on television that shows a couple about to kiss, when suddenly the action freezes and the man is faced with all of the men that the woman's ever kissed, or wanted to kiss. (The idea is to sell you gum that makes your breath "kissably fresh.") Anyway... that's sort of what it felt like. Part of me was thinking "this person has played with the best... nothing I do can ever be that good."
Looking back on it, that's silly of course; things don't really work like that. Every experience in the scene is completely different from every other, so comparisons aren't of much use. In any case, if someone is truly offering you her submission and being "in the moment" with you (to borrow an old theater term), they aren't going to be thinking of anyone or anything else anyway.
But of course I didn't know that back then, and my concern over those "comparisons" gave me the BDSM equivalent of male performance anxiety.
It was a new experience for me. All my life I've always had boundless self-confidence, so that was one of the few times that I actually felt things like insecurity and self-doubt.
To their credit, though, not one of my play partners ever let me feel that way in-scene. Each and every one was incredibly supportive, and gave me lots of positive reinforcement -- both while we were playing, and afterwards.
I actually ran into one of them at an event in Toronto a few weeks ago, and we talked about "the good old days." She said something that might be of use to subs who are playing with novice Doms: When she first met me, she sensed the Dom inside who was looking for an opportunity to come out and play. She was willing to wait, knowing that he'd come out sooner or later. And she was right.
Still, for me, it was a time filled with uncertainty and nervousness. Those are often the emotions of a
Relax! This is supposed to be fun, so don't get stressed out about it.
novice Dom, and that's the way it should be. Anyone who comes into it with more confidence than skill, and more bravado than brains, will never be any good at what they do. Someone who comes in with an open mind, and is willing to learn, will always do well in the long run.
It can be a difficult journey. However, it's made much easier by having good partners.
... and Advice
So to summarize, here's my advice for novice Doms:
- Relax! This is supposed to be fun, so don't get stressed out about it.
- Find a good play partner. Ideally, find someone who's got experience but is willing to work with a novice.
- Don't pretend to know more than you do. Acknowledge your own lack of experience, and always keep your mind open to learning new things.
- Don't compare yourself to other Doms, and don't worry that your partner will either. She won't.
- If a scene goes badly, talk about it afterwards. Don't blame yourself, don't blame your partner, just chalk it up to experience and learn something from it.
- Try to watch other people playing, and talk to them afterwards (but not right afterwards) about how it felt. You can learn a lot just by watching and listening.
- Take your time! You've gone most of your life without ever once having played with someone in a BDSM context, so there's no need to suddenly rush it now. And remember, you don't have to move forwards with anything unless you're really ready to.
Above all, remember that what you're bringing to the scene isn't knowledge or skill or technique. Those are all things that you can acquire in time, through reading, watching, and personal experience.
What you're really bringing is your own essence as a Dom -- your strength of will, your ability to take charge, your imagination and confidence and energy. If you have those qualities, the rest can all be learned.
Now, here's my advice for the partners of novice Doms, courtesy of several of my earliest play-partners:
- Try to find that part of your proto-Dom which is strong, and confident, and forceful. When you find it, reach out to it.
- Remember that it may take a while to surface; after all, society has taught your partner to bury that part of himself for years, and it will take a while to dig it up and give it some fresh air and exercise.
- Make sure your partner understands that what he's doing is not just "okay" -- it's actually really, really good. One of the hardest things for a novice Dom is realizing that these fairly extreme activities are truly giving you pleasure. Be very expressive, and reward him for his efforts. A little gratitude goes a long way.
Related Essays
- 10 Doms Online by Unknown
- Advice to a Novice Dom by Washington Sexuality University FAQ
- How to Spot a Non-Dominant by COUNtess VelVEEta
- by
- Qualities of A Successful Dominant by Polly Peachum
