Power Exchange - Strong Women (in Charge/Control) Giving Power
Author: Gev
Filed in: control, surrender, power exchange, powerful women
The topic (or dichotomy) of a Powerful Woman engaging in a power exchange, has been of great interest to me. Why would a woman, who is normally in control of their life, who is assertive, and who is successful, want to give over the ‘reins’ or choices to another in a power exchange?
I’ve come across several types of Powerful Women who have chosen to explore Power Exchanges. (Please note that even in these categories, which are not complete, there is not so much a bell curve as a ‘bell tent’ as there often are more than two axis to every personality.)
- Those who really don’t want to be in control but have had to be in control.
- Overachievers who are “Givers.” These types often take leadership roles in organizations or are the ones constantly doing things for friends as they are constantly giving of themselves which is as much a part of their nature as anything else. These types seem to seek, in D/s or TPE, someone with whom they can give completely, without the normal boundaries, and would happily offer “coffee, tea, or me” to the person to whom they feel will take (in an effective and positive manner) everything thing they have to offer (and will let them know that it is appreciated and accepted). [This is my favorite type]
- Overachievers who are “Pleasers.” This type is made happy knowing that they made someone else happy; their joy comes from the joy they helped create in others. They are doers and competent types in most cases.
- Mirror types. This type I understand less, as I think they are only occasionally drawn into BDSM from the outside. They tend not to be leaders, and they constantly mirror the desires and expectations of others. Their strength is a personal one and comes from inside as opposed to projecting their strength ‘outside’ by exerting control/authority on others.
- Those for whom Control, and being in Control is important. This type will often struggle with their identity. It can be a woman growing up in a household of ‘masculine’ leader type men (brothers and father); or it can be someone who early on decided that the path for them was to make the decisions because they liked it, because it was effective, because it was usually better than the other alternatives. This often means suppressing the side that doesn’t want to be in control, and a person may come back to look at that withered side of their being and to try to resurrect it.
Some of the more common theories as to why women will give power (even when they wield it effectively themselves) include:
- Evolutionary theory, where those who attach their fortunes to a powerful ‘high status’ (i.e. leader) Males have a better chance for their offspring to succeed. This also includes those who realize that it is better to have 10%-50% of a good male/partner than 90%-100% of a bad one.
- “Cleave to” theory, which takes its name from the Old Testament where there is a quote that a woman seeks to “cleave to” a man. This implies that that this is the natural state and as much a part of human nature as that which has evolved in evolutionary theory.
- Society/culture. By pushing women into more leadership and power roles, instead of letting them settle for a happy median, powerful women are willing to explore giving up more power than they would normally have given. Instead of finding a ‘balanced partnership’ they are willing to explore swinging the pendulum further the opposite way since society/culture has pushed them to where they are now. On the flip side, powerful women who don’t have an outlet in their society may seek a power exchange with someone who will extend their power paradoxically. (I will discuss this later as it is one of the more interesting points I’ve found.)
- The males they find. A powerful woman (like all women) is going to find males who are poor mates on emotional, physical, spiritual, and financial level. She’ll come across the self absorbed. She’ll come across those who have an aggression against women which is rooted in a rebellion against the control they have had to give their own mothers at a time when societies message to them was that the ‘man’ should be in control. (These men have an often hidden aggression against women in general and are dangerous in relationships, especially D/s relationships.) They will find men so hurt that they lash out in pain to cause pain in others as if this was a salve for their own pain. They will come across men trying to find ‘who they are’ instead of who they want to be (and therefore constantly engage in a growth process to become who they would like to become).
If we take a look at the last one “The males they find,” one needs to consider that finding a male ‘Natural Dominant’ (I don’t ever use the term ‘True Dominant’) with both patience and emotional self-control, the signs of maturity of an adult who’s actually “grown up” and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else’s life, is very difficult. And finding a person with the balance of being a ‘grown up’ and yet is still playful/creative and generally positive in their outlook ‘as an adult,’ is also difficult. (This type of male can create a ‘safe place’ for the powerful woman and encourage her to both explore giving up that power and to give up more power than they might normally do.)
So what happens when they find a Natural Dominant with those qualities? Will a powerful woman flirt with power exchange to get his attention(s) like a teenager beginning to use her shape and breasts to gain the attentions of a male that interests her? Or is there something else going on?
I propose that to understand what often happens, one needs to understand the flip side, the Natural Dom, and to understand it is more than him simply having patience and emotional self control, and being able to take responsibility for another; it is about them both seeking greater power collectively.
According to John Gray, Ph.D. in “Motivating the Opposite Sex,” he writes,
Men value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their skills. Their sense of self is designed thorough their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment. And for a man to feel good about himself, he must achieve these goals alone. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Autonomy is key. Recognizing this characteristic can help women understand why men so strongly resist being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Needless to say, men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is of vital importance to them.
The answer resides in the first few lines, not the later portion. I’m an example of a Dom that is attracted to powerful women as I “value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement.” Yet as a Dom I do not need to “feel good about… “ myself through achieving these goals “alone.”
When a powerful/competent/leader type of woman gives power to a Dom, she acts as a ‘force multiplier’ such that the effect is NOT cumulative, but rather slightly (to drastically) exponential. As a “doer,” “leader,” “accomplisher type,” she can let herself put her energies into the details and not the big picture when she gives up control and all (or some) of the decision making. She gives to him the ‘big picture’ and redirects the energy/worry that might have been drained from her into the actions/activities/tasks she engages in (or is assigned by the Natural Dominant). This is the opposite of the ‘micro-management’ D/s relationship. He doesn’t worry about the details; he delegates (and participates in some circumstances). Sometimes, as much as he’d like to pitch in and make sure it got done, he knows that he has to leave it to the sub so that she can feel/know that she is accomplishing/achieving and getting a form of validation for herself. She doesn’t get validation from him, but rather he gives her ‘her realm’ to excel in, and also takes the final responsibility off of her shoulders and happily carries this weight around with him. If his sense of self is designed through his ability to achieve results (as per Dr. John Gray) then she, by being his responsibility and answering to his authority, extends his ability to get results. A powerful woman who willingly submits to a powerful man both validates AND EXTENDS that power. They become a “power couple” that is more than the sum of their two parts.
As he seeks competency, efficiency, and achievement, trying to do things to prove himself and develop his skills (per Dr. Gray), then the competent/efficient sub can take away all the ‘minor and time consuming details’ that take up his energy just as the ‘big picture’ takes up hers. Giving him power in a power exchange is also a validation of his own competence as she confirms it with her gift of power to the one she trusts and believes in. It is in many ways ‘proof’ that he can feel internally, and that can show to others. Publicly he will not want to let her down, and he becomes more driven to show that he is the very worthy recipient of power from the powerful/competent woman.
To teach one has to learn, and one learns the most when in the process of teaching, so too the Natural Dominant (in this type of relationship) is going to seek the constant improvement and personal development of his (powerful) sub through both mentoring and pushing her to grow. It is not about a lazy person having someone to do their ‘basic stuff’ for them, but rather it should be viewed as a power couple where each contributes their skills (and natures) to become mutually more effective.
The powerful woman gives control to the Dom as she becomes a part of something bigger, in which she knows she is a very important part, and finds a deep intimacy and trust that she can rarely share with another. No wonder many view it as a situation that would be should be ‘blissful’ (if they could only find the right Dom).
Related Essays
- The Psychology of Slavery: Understanding Consensual Slavery by Norische
- Confessions of a Control Whore by Rick's Fucktoy
