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Confessions of a Control Whore

Author: Rick's Fucktoy

Filed in: submission, limits, control, power, slut, miscommunication

So there isn't any miscommunication, let it be said from the beginning of this journey into the darker recesses of my mind, I'm not a pain slut. I don't get wet at the thought of being beaten. If the truth is told, that thought makes me cringe. I don't like to hurt. Master, on the other hand, is a sadist. A serious sadist. It makes for interesting times. I struggled with the combination, wanting to be sure that we both understand that I'm not into pain. I didn't want to disappoint Him or misrepresent myself. He chuckled, He grinned, and He said, "we'll see."

*GULPS* We'll see? We'll see what exactly? That just sent my lil head into a tailspin, let me tell Ya. I was truly terrified before our first meeting … not that He would hurt me … oh, no. I trust Him implicitly. Rather, I was terrified that I would disappoint Him, that I wouldn't be able to enjoy playing with Him or what was even worse to my mind, that He wouldn't be able to enjoy playing with me. I panicked. I cried. I stressed and I worried.

I should probably insert here that at our first meeting, I wasn't a "novice" to the lifestyle. I had been in one other serious, long-term D/s relationship prior to this. I had taken some time away before coming back to it. I understood power exchange. I was a complete novice when it came to pain. A light tug on my hair was probably the extent of what I had experienced prior to Master. I'd been spanked, I'd been flogged … but they didn't "hurt." They were, for the most part, gentle and loving.

It turns out, all of my issues were for nothing. Master, as always (or so it's said) was correct. See, I'm not a pain slut, but I'm a control whore. The idea of Him doing what He wants to me, when He wants, and how He wants just rocks my world. The pain, what there was, only reinforced my submission and His Dominance. It was another way to show Him that I'm His, and I want to please Him. I love the idea of Him marking me. It's a physical reminder that He's claimed me and that I'm taken. That soreness that comes from muscles that have been abused (please note that is consensual abuse, i.e. used hard) is a feeling that can carry through for days, a subtle reminder with every stretch, every move that I please Him. He takes into consideration my "limits" as they are. But there are times when He wants to push me further, and as my Owner, He has that right. I know and trust that He would never do anything that would damage or break me.

So for me, the wetness and excitement that comes with the mention of pain isn't because of the physical sensations. It stems from the mental association that reminds me of my place and who He is to me. It's one way to push past my comfort levels, to explore the boundaries and to set new ones.

© 2004 - His fucktoy

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