Tools of Consent in BDSM
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Filed in: negotiation, consent
Communication"Communication, communication, communication." You will hear this over and over again as you get to know more about BDSM. Communication occurs before, during, and after scenes; it occurs as part of the entire relationship between the partners.
The extent of communication between folks who are drawn to BDSM often astonishes newcomers. Much to the surprise of many, sharing one's fantasies does not typically ruin them, but often draws the partners closer together and makes for scenes more powerful than either partner dreamed. Communication about what one fantasizes, whether or not the partners actually want to carry it out, can be the start of creative, exciting, intriguing play and new insights. For some excellent ideas on how to begin to communicate with your partner about BDSM fantasies and ideas, check out the widely-read book, Sensuous Magic, by Pat Califia.
Communication does not stop during scenes -- bottoms and tops can and do talk to each other mid-scene. Tops also become quite expert at reading the bottom's body language. Communication continues after scenes and in every aspect of the partners' relationship.
Aftercare
Communication after scenes is part of what is called aftercare. Aftercare is a time when the partners typically cuddle, decompress, and eventually talk about the good and bad parts of the scene. The importance of quality aftercare cannot be stressed enough. Most people do aftercare naturally, with both partners enjoying it as part of the entire BDSM experience.
Immediate aftercare typically consists of half an hour or so of quiet cuddling followed by which the partners either drift to sleep or feel lively again. The top makes sure the bottom is comfortable, warm, and has some water available to drink during this time. Sometimes aftercare is the time for sexual interaction -- the scene itself may have been a kind of foreplay. Often the partners feel like they are floating together, and enjoy prolonging the feeling. There are commonly feelings of protection, caring, gratefulness, and profound mutual understanding shared by the partners.
Good aftercare does not end with the immediate relaxation following a scene. In my experience, tops typically return to a fully alert state before bottoms. If the bottom needs any bandaging or a snack, that gets taken care of promptly. The partners usually start to talk about the scene after a while. It is a good idea for the top to follow the bottom's lead in starting this discussion. While someone is drifting in serene ecstasy is not the best time for the enthusiastic top to start asking, "So, how was it? Did you like when I told you to count backwards while I was flogging you at the end of the scene?" Some bottoms do better if these kinds of questions are delayed as much as a few days.
Even when bottoms appear to be fully recovered, they still often want more aftercare, even if it is just a question of the top's checking in an hour later to ask how they are doing. It is often hard for a bottom to ask for still more aftercare after the top worked hard on the scene and continued to be protective and attentive afterwards. On the other hand, tops also have desires. It is not uncommon for tops to feel some restlessness or desire to walk around and stretch out a bit alone once the partners come to. And smothering the bottom with solicitous attentiveness can also be counterproductive.
Ongoing aftercare typically consists of the partners continuing to talk periodically about any scene that was difficult. Sometimes that conversation is completed by talking for just a few minutes beginning with the top's following up by asking how the bottom feels a week later. Other times the partners come back to occasional discussions of the scene for weeks or months afterwards. Important questions for the partners to discuss are whether the scene was effective, whether it was moving, whether it went too far, and what elements could be changed, explored further, or improved on next time. Sometimes bottoms enjoy writing their scenes up creatively. Sometimes tops do, as well. For some fascinating scene write-ups from ASB (alt.sex.bondage), see the Laylah Martelli and Nurse Jones Archives (under "stories" on lmnop).
Safeword
One of the most common tools of communication within a scene is called safeword. A safeword is any word, phrase, or action that the bottom (or sometimes the top) can utter or do that causes whatever is going on in the scene to stop or pause. You can think of it as a more adult form of calling "Uncle!" during a bout of tickling, in which case the tickler is honor-bound to stop. Safeword is a courteous, time-honored mechanism for the bottom to stop or pause a scene without giving the top a direct order and without having to give a long-winded explanation at a moment when words may not come easily. Agreed-upon safewords are taken so seriously that for a top to ignore or fail to abide by safeword is considered a heinous and unethical act, tantamount to rape.
What safewords you use and what they mean are up to the partners to decide. Common safewords include the single word "safeword," the word "mercy," and also the two-word pair "red" (meaning "Stop the scene completely Now!") and "yellow" (meaning "What you are doing is not so great and you should probably switch to another activity unless you want me to say `red' in another minute"). If the bottom cannot speak during the scene (say, because the bottom is gagged), a common safeword mechanism is for the top to give the bottom a jingly cat toy or ball the bottom can drop if there is a problem. A safeword for a scene that involves tussling can be two or three sharp taps, similar to "tapping out" in wrestling and martial arts. Sometimes people also use "inverse safewords": for example, the top puts a finger in the bottom's hand and ends the scene if the bottom does not squeeze the finger promptly.
The word "No!" is also used by some as a safeword; but others would find using the word "no" to be counterproductive, since it might be uttered by the bottom when what the bottom really means is "Yes, yes!" It is not unusual for a top to pause and ask a bottom who says "No!" convincingly if that was a safeword.
Safewords are merely a shorthand form of communication. They augment but do not fully replace conversation. Tops are not mindreaders, and it can be helpful for the top to know quickly if something unanticipated has suddenly happened for the bottom. Many tops find they are able to take more risks and move more quickly into exciting play with a new partner when they are confident the bottom will safeword them if an unexpected emergency arises. In this sense, safeword is sometimes a learning tool between partners, allowing the partners to find out what works on the fly instead of in elaborate prior discussions. As partners get to know each other better, the top learns which activities or intensities result in safeword and avoids them. In turn, the bottom learns to trust that the top values and respects the bottom's physical and emotional concerns.
There are, however, several ongoing controversies surrounding the use of safewords in BDSM, chief among which is the occasional vehement claim that letting the bottom have a safeword means letting the bottom control the scene. Obviously, the ability to stop the scene or impose on the top to check in is not complete control. It is control over only one aspect of the play, intended to be used only in an emergency. Even so, if that kind of control makes the play less than enjoyable for you, then safeword may not be the right kind of tool for you.
However, one important warning to consider when talking to a prospective partner is that a top who insists that a bottom may not ever safeword might be a poor choice for a novice bottom. BDSM is a risky activity, and a top who courts a bottom heatedly and then refuses to allow the bottom any way out, no matter how miserable the bottom is during the experience, may be forcing the bottom into a nonconsensual situation. Many tops play safely and well with no safewords; but if a top or dom insists on no safeword, it is sensible to be extremely wary.
Sometimes bottoms or submissives simply cannot bring themselves to safeword. The most troubling such events are when the bottom gets into states called flashbacks (sudden very realistic memories of very traumatic life experiences, such as rape, incest, or assault), or going away (states that are so distant and lacking in affect that the bottom does not respond to the top and appears to be in another world). Not all flashbacks or periods of going away are unhappy experiences for bottoms -- a few bottoms aim for such occurrences and enjoy having had them. However, undesirable circumstances do occur, and since the bottom cannot signal the problem, responsibility often falls on the top. Tops learn to go slowly when working with a new partner lest the bottom be pushed into a state that is bad and from which the bottom cannot safeword or otherwise signal that things have gone too far.
Probably the most common reason that bottoms and submissives hesitate to safeword is fear of disappointing the top by calling a sudden halt to some activity. This fear is particularly common for novice bottoms. Many tops are thus careful to reassure their bottoms that they want the bottom to let them know if there is a serious problem. If the bottom does safeword, the top should certainly investigate later why the safeword occurred. But also, it is important for the top to avoid discouraging safeword by showing distaste or disappointment that the activity or scene were curtailed. To discourage the use of safeword is to risk bending consent and to risk damaging the bottom's precious trust. That is, safewords are generally "no-fault."
Some people cannot bring themselves to safeword because they are challenging themselves to see what they can endure. Obviously this risks self-damage. Responsible tops suspecting this usually work to assess the bottom's goals and motives, and talk frankly with the bottom so that both partners understand their responsibilities if emotional or physical harm should occur as a result. This kind of play does sometimes occur consensually, with both parties agreeing to the risks in order to see where things go. Sometimes the goal of such play is to push the bottom to the point where the bottom does finally safeword. Experienced tops can in fact often find ways to push someone that hard with relative safety, but doing so without both partners understanding the risks is inadvisable. For more on pushing the bottom's limits, see the next section on Negotiations and Limits, and Part 3.
Negotiations and Limites
People who do BDSM often engage in prior and ongoing negotiations. "Negotiation" here does not mean haggling about details of what a person will and won't do, but instead is a term that covers all manner of discussion and flirtation about what each partner actively enjoys, will tolerate, and absolutely will not tolerate. It is a fact that BDSM often involves activities that are unusual in vanilla sex. Clearing some matters up in advance can mean the difference between having a great time and leaving yourself open for disaster right when things are most promising. Though it surprises many people, prior negotiation does not mean taking all the spontaneity out of the engagement. Often it means people can confidently do things they never would have tried without a prior discussion.
A primary goal of negotiation is that activities that are off-limits are commonly asked about by the top or volunteered by the bottom prior to play. For a top to violate intentionally a bottom's stated limits or boundaries is nonconsensual and unethical.
Limits can be anything a person wants them to be. A surprisingly common limit is "No tickling!" Other common limits include "No drawing blood," "No permanent damage," "No blindfolding me," "No tying me up," "No oral sex without a condom," "No humiliation," " No sex with anyone not of my preferred gender," etc. Limits can be as arbitrary as you want. Tops also have limits and often state them during negotiations! Dashed expectations are no fun for anyone.
Sometimes limits change as partners get to know each other. Occasionally, the bottom simply offers to remove a limit. Other times the top, with the bottom's consent, pushes a limit by approaching it, threatening it, or otherwise convincing the bottom to accept it in scene, if only for a moment. Pushing a limit or playing near a limit is called edge play.
Edge play is not the same as heavy play. The term "heavy play" generally refers to play that is considered relatively risky by experienced players. Although what constitutes heavy play varies from community to community, most experienced BDSM folks would be more likely to classify blood play as an example of heavy play than tickling, or bullwhippings to the point of welts, bruises, and cuts as heavy play than tying someone up to sexually pleasure the person. If tickling is off limits for you, then play that borders on tickling you is by definition edge play even if it would not be considered to be heavy play by outsiders. But also, since most people agree that to be pushed over one's edges is heavy play, the pushing aspect of that play might also be called heavy.
Pushing limits -- which is usually done in the context of a lot of ongoing communication and re-negotiation -- is a tricky kind of play and risks violating consent. However, it is commonly intriguing for both partners. In Part 3 we talk in greater depth about playing at edges and pushing limits into areas that risk violating consent.
Prior negotiation is relatively unusual for vanilla sex, though for some people it comes quite naturally even as vanilla sexual partners. Frank opportunity for negotiation is often highly appreciated by bottoms, and can lead to intimacy and trust that are unexpectedly close. For a discussion of why the emphasis on negotiating makes BDSM "pickup" play less common and more involved than Swinger interactions, see Part 5.
Contract
Some partners work out verbal or written contracts to set out their agreements. (In cases where the bottom is a slave, the contract is sometimes called a "slave contract.'') While written contracts can't hurt when it comes to reminding the partners what they agreed to, it is unclear how binding such contracts are under the law. In the United States, each State's law varies, as well, making it even more difficult for partners to know which aspects of their contracts are binding. Nevertheless, violating a written contract is customarily considered grounds for a partnership to dissolve regardless of whether or not it is legally binding. In the case of many slave/submissive contracts where the feelings involved are inherently a sense of inability to get out of the contract unless the dom chooses to release the sub, it is considered unacceptable for the slave/submissive to leave the relationship unless the dom does happen to violate the contract. Realistically, though, the slave/submissive can walk out on the relationship and fall back on the legal system, which likely will not honor so restrictive a contract. Unless the name of that contract is "marriage."
Contracts can be either very inspiring statements of love and intent, or very nuts-and-bolts statements of what each partner commits to doing. Most partners who are inspired by the concept of written contracts draw up their own, but there are several models floating around, most notably that of Sacher-Masoch (from whom the term "masochism'' derives), as well as versions circulated as examples by those who are proud of what worked for them personally.
Most contracts that are successful seem to call for periodic re-evaluation of the contract, say, every few months or once a year.
Related Essays
- BDSM Play Partner Checklist by Sovereign House
- If I Ever See Another Checklist I Will Scream: An Extremely Thorough Play Checklist by Norische
- Before Scene: Interview by Norische
- Can I Get That In Writing: Basics Of Negotiations by Norische
- What are negotiations good for? by Bluedeacon
