Disobedience and Punishment
Author: Falcon's moonbeam
Filed in: punishment, obedience, forgiveness, atonementIt is difficult for me to think and write about disobedience and punishment. Thank You for having me think about this aspect of D/s; i appreciate the fact that you are preparing me for this. i have read stories on www.literotica.com regarding subs' disobedience and punishment; i can't see myself doing any of the things they do which cause them to be punished. The subs in the stories are unfaithful (i can't imagine ever doing that. i'd tell Him about my unhappiness first before that ever happened). Other subs in the stories disobey a direct command (i can't imagine doing that either, unless it was really ridiculous and unreasonable, and i can't imagine i would submit to a Master who was unreasonable like this, though unreasonable is a relative term).
The thought of disobeying my Master is almost unthinkable to me. i intend to obey. i want to obey. i will obey. i'd like to believe i will be a very obedient sub, and can't seem to imagine myself disobeying. However, i know it is not practical to assume i won't ever disobey, though i hope that if and when it happens, it would be inadvertent and not intentional. Odds are, i probably will be punished for something at some point. Undoubtedly i will make mistakes or errors in judgment which might warrant punishment. i tried to come up with a transgression that would be of the type i could see myself making. i decided to write about the infraction as well as the punishment. i also tried to address another difficult issue at the same time since the two seemed to blend well together in my mind.
One evening, my Master informs me we will meet for lunch the next day. This is not unusual, and i look forward to seeing him as much as i can. The next day, however, shortly before we were to meet, he calls me at work and cancels, saying something has come up at work and he can't meet for lunch, and he tells me we will do it tomorrow instead. i am disappointed at the prospect of not seeing him at midday, even though we live together and see each other every night.
The next day at work, someone who knows Master as my "significant other" mentions to me that they saw him yesterday at a restaurant having lunch with a woman. she was described to me, and i didn't recognize the description. The person said she was beautiful and they seemed to be engaged in a serious conversation. i murmured something about a business lunch and carried on with my work. But i felt shock, surprise, and fear, like a deer caught in a truck's headlights.
Who was she? He couldn't possibly have lied to me about something coming up at work, could he? It is now almost time for me to meet Him for lunch but i can't bring myself to meet Him or call Him. i am terrified about what He will say to me when we see each other. He is not happy with me. He has found another sub who makes Him happier. i am not attractive enough. i do not please him enough. i am not enough. he is releasing me. i panic and ask for the rest of the day off. i get in the car and drive for hours. by late afternoon, i do not want to go home but really have nowhere else to go.
The afternoon from his perspective is different, but equally as agonizing. i do not show up for lunch, i do not call him. He calls my office - they say i looked ill and took the rest of the day off. He calls home, several times during the afternoon. No answer. He calls the hospital, not there either. He calls the police; no accidents. He can't find me, and worriedly leaves work a little early and comes home to see if he can find out what happened. i arrive at home soon after he does.
When our eyes meet we can see each other's anguish. Neither of us even thinks about the daily ritual of him putting my collar on me at the end of the workday. He's been worried about where i've been, if i'm ok, and i've been worried that i've lost him to someone else. i kneel; quietly, keeping my head down, and i apologize for not meeting him for lunch. He asks why i didn't. i tell him, not able to hold back the tears, not able to look up at him. i feel horrible for being so inconsiderate. As i tell him about my afternoon, and why i did what i did, i realize it was stupid of me not to at least call him. This only increases my misery.
He commands me to look at Him. His face looks pretty grim. mine must be pathetic - blotchy from crying, and tear-streaked. He tells me that He was worried, and about the calls He made trying to track me down, i feel even worse. He tells me that i have never really disobeyed him in all the time we've been together. a little impertinent, perhaps, from time to time, but He permits this. Today, however, i have disobeyed him twice in one day. Therefore, i will be punished twice in one day.
My first offense was not meeting Him for lunch as He asked, and i did not even call or anything and left Him worrying for hours. The punishment for this will be physical and painful. The other, more serious offense is that i doubted Him - i did not have faith in him, or O/our relationship.
When He collared me, He told me i must always believe in Him, and have faith in Him and in our relationship; i vowed i would. And since then, He has given me no reason to doubt Him. Despite this, i have now broken my vow. This offense is less tangible, so punishment for this will be less tangible, but he will strive to make it every bit as painful since the offense is severe in nature. This punishment will come first.
He makes it clear that He is very disappointed in me, and i want to find a rock to crawl under. This day could very well be the most horrible day i've ever had. i think that now he will release me for sure. i try hard not to give in to my misery. Behind the few tears falling is a deluge of sobbing waiting and wanting to be released.
He commands me to go and remove my clothing and get my collar. i go into the bedroom, strip, and bring the collar back, kneel and offer it in my upturned hands as usual. instead of Him putting the collar on me as usual, He tells me to do it myself. This in and of itself is a painful punishment, and more tears fall.
He binds my hands behind my back. He pulls the recliner away from the corner of the room and faces it toward the corner, and tells me to stand there, in the corner, facing him. He sits in the recliner and tells me that i am to stand in the corner and think about why i feel i couldn't meet Him for lunch, and why i felt i had lost Him to another sub. i am to think about what actions He has done or what words He has said to cause me to think that i would be released. And when he feels i have contemplated enough, He will have me tell Him what i have thought. He asks me if i understand.
"Yes, Master" i whisper.
"Turn around," he says.
i turn around and stand in the corner, head bowed, nude but for my collar and wrist cuffs, hands behind me, Him silently sitting there behind me a few feet away. i suppose He is still looking at me. i can feel him breathing. my breath is ragged and the tears start afresh, though i am trying hard not to cry. i wish i had a tissue to wipe my nose.
For a few minutes i can't think at all. i have no idea why i couldn't bring myself to meet him this afternoon. It seems now to have been such a stupid thing to do, not showing up and not calling Him. The worst part of what's happing now, though, is His disappointment, and the fact that He has not told me who the woman was or why He had canceled His plans with me to meet with her. For all i know He will release me when He is finished punishing me. Or maybe He hadn't decided yet to release me for her, but after my actions today, He's realized that i am not selfless enough to be owned by Him. or maybe he has decided to torment me by owning us both. Or maybe the moon is made of cheese. . . God I have to stop thinking like this.
my mind goes on and on, horrible rushing thoughts moving on their own momentum. After a while, i don't know how long, i realize that i have no idea how long i will be standing in the corner. For all i know my time is almost up and i have nothing to say for myself. i try to calm down and think back to what He said to me - what i am supposed to be thinking about? It takes a minute, an eternity, but i am able to remember.
Why could i not bring myself to meet Him? The reason is i panicked. Pure and simple. i acted out of fear. Why did i panic? Why did i have this fear? What has He said or done to make me feel that He is releasing me and taking a new sub? i didn't really know.
my brain takes comfort in the challenge of figuring out a puzzle. as more minutes pass, i am given to logical thought, and my emotions calm a little. i think about the time W/we have spent together. i think about how W/we met, and about the first time He drew pleasure from using me, and about the day He collared me, and the time since then. None of those memories contain anything which would leave me to believe He wasn't pleased with me or didn't love me or wasn't happy owning me. so why did i think He would be releasing me?
After a few minutes, it comes to me - a clear thought, pushing through the mess of emotion and guilt and memories. The answer is so simple. It's nothing. He has done nothing to cause me to doubt Him. Nothing at all. It's not Him. The problem is not He. It's me. i have done something to cause me to doubt. i was thrown by the comments of the person at work, and i allowed a small seed of self-doubt to grow. As it got larger, i panicked.
It is *i* who feel i am not pleasing Him, not He who feels this way. *i* feel i am not doing enough. Not pleasing enough. Not attractive enough. Not selfless enough. Not serving enough. Not deserving enough. i'm simply not enough. Period. It seems He has accepted me as i am, but i still haven't. And after a moment i realize He probably knows this.
Part of me is miserable with the discovery, feeling a sense of failure because i have discovered that i feel i am a failure, and in irony i realize this is a vicious circle, which will feed on itself if left unchecked. A small part of me is a little relieved that at least now i will have an answer for Him when He asks to hear it.
i have no idea how long i've been in the corner, perhaps 30 minutes. He has been quietly sitting behind me the whole time. i can almost feel His eyes burning into my skin. i wonder if He has any idea of the course of my thoughts as i've been standing there. i wonder if He can tell that i've reached a conclusion. i don't dare say i'm ready to talk, though. i know i must wait for Him to allow me to move or speak.
i have started shifting my weight from one foot to the other. By now, not having had lunch or dinner, i am feeling a little flighty, though i have no appetite. i wait. and i continue to think. Why have i not accepted myself as His sub? Why am i not good enough for Him? He may ask me this. Perhaps it is the simple fact that i have not accepted myself. And i wonder if i ever will.
More time passes. He is just sitting there. i am acutely aware of His presence. i am still wishing there was a rock to crawl under when He finally says,
"Turn around."
i comply, keeping my head bowed. i am afraid of what i will see in His eyes, and am reluctant to show my face.
"Kneel," He says.
i comply. al i knew He would, He commands me to look at him, and i do. He just sits there for a minute or two, an eternity, looking at me, at my face, my eyes. And though i was reluctant to look at Him minutes ago, now i find i couldn't drag my eyes from His even if He permitted me. W/we regard each other for several more minutes, and 2 thoughts pass through my mind. One, i love to look at Him, to see His face, His eyes... and Two, i wonder if this will be the last time i will have the opportunity to do so, so i don't want to miss any of it.
He quietly asks me why i did not meet Him for lunch or at least call. my answer is that i panicked in fear and wasn't thinking clearly. He asks me why did i become fearful. my answer is that i was afraid He was going to release me and i couldn't deal with it yet.
He asks me to describe what i think it must have felt like for Him to have been left wondering all afternoon where i was and if i was all right. i say that He must have been worried. He tells me that this answer falls woefully short, and He asks me to extrapolate how i would feel in such a situation, should the tides be turned. i think for a moment, and say that i would be out of my mind with worry and fear and dread that something serious has happened. He is more important to me than anything else on earth and i can't imagine life without Him and i would desperately need to know that He is at least OK.
He nods and says this is a better answer to the previous question. He asks me what He has said or done to cause me to think He was going to release me. my answer is that He had done nothing to cause me to think this. So He takes the next step and asks what *has* caused me to think He would release me? i lower my head and He quickly tells me to look at him. More tears fall. i feel like such a failure.
"my own self doubt," i answer.
He nods and says, "now you will remain where you are, kneeling there, and you will remain looking at Me while you think about why you are filled with such self doubt."
i feel horrible. This is so painful i am beginning to wish He had chosen to cut off my arm instead. As i continue to look at him, more tears begin to fall and i have a hard time keeping my eyes on Him, much less thinking about anything. Looking up at Him, i beat myself up all over again for putting Him through this. Why do i have such self-doubt? The answer is because i have not accepted myself for who and what i am. Why haven't i? i honestly don't know.
i continue to look at Him, wondering if i should wait for Him to prompt me for my answer. i find myself unwilling (or unable?) to speak. He has done nothing to deserve this nonsense, and i begin to kick myself all over again. i am pretty close to losing my composure - the flood is getting closer; i can feel it. i am trying to hold on to what little dignity i can, but there's really no point.
i lose track of time a little, wondering if He has been able to see my thoughts play out on my face. His face doesn't reveal much at all. The agony that had been there earlier has faded a bit, but He doesn't look happy, either. If anything, He looks worn out, and i feel sorry for this. When i think of what i could be doing for Him right now, what i should be doing for him right now, if i hadn't been such an idiot, it just makes it worse.
Finally he puts me out of my misery and asks why i have such self-doubt. i answer that i have not accepted myself. He asks why not, and i answer truthfully,
"i don't know, Master."
He nods as He did before. He says this discussion is not over, but we will continue it another time. The first punishment is over, and it is time for the second.
"Yes, Master" i whisper.
Part of me feels incredibly relieved - the past hour and a half has been absolutely horrible. But i know W/we are not through yet. And He still has not told me about the woman in the restaurant. He leans over and unbinds my wrists and grabs a hunk of my hair and pulls me along, using it as a leash to roughly lead me on my hands and knees into the bedroom.
He pulls upward and i crawl onto the bed, and i steal a look at His face before He pulls my head down. His face looks grim again. i am laying on my stomach, my feet at the head of the bed, my head resting on the blanket at the foot of the bed, my arms raised over my head, elbows bent, hands near the top of my head.
"Legs together" He says.
I can hear Him opening and closing a drawer and i don't dare lift my head to see what He has selected. He gives me no time to feel nervous.
i can hear the sound the cane makes slicing through the air just a split second before it hits. i jump a little and stifle a scream, trying to restrain myself and be still and not move. Its probably too late to make a difference, but i want him to be proud of me. Again the cane strikes and again my body jerks a little but i try hard to hold still. God it hurts, and i wonder if i will end up bleeding all over the bedspread.
There is nothing on earth that would make me use the safeword during this punishment. i deserve everything he gives me with this caning. By the third time the cane strikes, i can already feel myself letting go. the pain is unbelievable, and i am gasping for air, but i feel myself being released from torment. The tears begin to flow a little. His continued blows are deliberate, steady, and powerful. i do not bother to count them, and He has not asked me to.
After a few more, i realize He is moving along a pattern - down my ass and the backs of my thighs then back up again. It is the last thing i think about before feeling the flood of torment which has been building for hours. i begin to cry as He continues bringing the cane down, searing my flesh.
my skin is burning like never before and i am sobbing both from the tremendous pain of the cane and the pain of the last 7 hours. He continues to rain fire on my skin, and i continue to cry, the blanket on the bed under my head soaked from tears, and my body is perspiring. It seems to go on forever.
i am so consumed by what i am feeling i don't really give much thought to what He is feeling. i don't know how much time has passed, or how many times the cane has struck, but i am still crying hard and i cannot feel the individual blows any more. They have all blended together into one big mass of agony.
i wonder if it will ever stop and its almost as if i can't feel anything anymore. i don't know what's worse - the pain from the cane, or the pain from knowing i've disappointed him. He continues, blow after blow, and i continue to cry. i know He is still striking me and i wonder if i am bleeding but i don't really care any more. It's almost as if i am totally numb. Not really there inside the agonized body and soul. After what seems like forever, and as suddenly as it started, it all suddenly stops.
i am still crying, though not as hard as before. i drift back and become aware of His breathing. His breathing sounds as if He has been taxed. i am gulping air trying to stop crying and in a moment can feel His hand on my hair, stroking it, pulling it away from my face. i open my eyes and i can see He is handing me a few tissues. i must be a mess. i blow my nose and wipe my eyes, still crying a little, Him stroking my hair, and He crouches down and His face comes into full view.
i can see the pain on His face and He has tears in his eyes and i can't believe i have caused him such pain. His voice is broken as He says quietly,
"Don't ever make Me do that again." i nod, a little afraid to speak.
"I can't hear you," He says.
"Yes, Master," i whisper.
He holds my hands and says, "Do not ever doubt Me again."
"Yes, Master."
He then says, "Don't ever leave Me wondering where you are and if you are all right."
"Yes, Master."
He gets up and goes into the bathroom while i try to calm my breathing. He returns and sits next to me on the bed. He cleans the welts, some of which are bleeding, as i groan at the sting. He rubs cooling lotion everywhere else where the cane has hit. While He does this, He quietly tells me what had happened yesterday and who the woman was. And he tells me that the next day we will get me a cellular phone and i am to answer it when he calls no matter what.
W/We don't bother with dinner. He undresses and pulls me off the bed and gets in Himself and pulls me down half on top of Him, on my stomach, telling me that i should not sleep on the welts tonight. i rest my head on His chest and can hear his heart beating and i can't believe i doubted him. i can't believe what i've put U/us through, and i am thankful that i am with him.
i whisper, "i'm sorry, Master."
And He whispers back, "I forgive you."
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