BDSM Tech Support
Author: Anonymous
Filed in: humor
L: Hi. I was trying to do the candle wax dripping thing, and it's not working.B: Have you lit the candle?
L: I need to light it?
B: Yes, if you want it to drip wax.
L: How do I light it?
B: With matches.
L: OK, thanks!
L: Hi, it's me again. I've got the candle lit, but whenever I try and press the wax onto her, she screams in pain. At least I think it's pain, I can't tell with the gag I put on her.
B: Ah, I think I see the problem. You need to drip the wax onto her, by holding the lit candle well above her flesh. Don't push the flame into her body, that doesn't work.
L: Gee thanks! How do you know all this stuff, did you go to college?
B: Uh, no, I just picked it up by playing around at home.
L: You must be really smart!
L: Hi, the candle's still not working. She's not screaming in pain any more, but the wax isn't melting on her, it's just bouncing off.
B: Do you have the candle lit?
L: Yup, it's lit, and the wax dribbles off, but then when it hits her it just bounces off.
B: Uh, how high are you holding the candle.
L: I'm standing on a chair, holding it way up while she's on the floor. That way it won't burn her.
B: Um, that might be a bit too high. Try holding the candle about a foot above her. Then the wax will still be liquid when it hits her. If it's too hot, raise the candle higher. If it's not hot enough, lower the candle.
L: Well why didn't you tell me the first time.
B: I assumed you were a little more familiar with candles, sir. My apologies for the mistake.
L: Don't talk down to me, I'm an MCSE! [0]
B: Yes, sir. Just try that and let us know how it goes.
L: Guess who? Yup, me again. It worked really great, I dripped the wax everywhere and she really enjoyed it, and thrashed around a lot in pleasure.
B: Great! How can I help you then?
L: Well, after a while she passed out from the pleasure, and she hasn't said anything yet.
B: Did you remove the gag?
L: No, do I need to?
B: Yes, sir.
L: OK, I'll just do it now, but she's in another room.
B: You do that then call us back if there are any problems.
L: OK.
L: It's me again. I had to scrape a lot of the wax off, but I was able to remove the gag now. She's still not saying anything.
B: OK, have you tried pouring cold water on her?
L: No, I'll do that now. How high should it be when I pour it.
B: Uh, it doesn't matter how high, just pour it.
L: OK, hang on. I'll go do that now. *pause* Nope, it didn't help.
B: Um, is she still breathing?
L: How do I check?
B: Is her stomach rising and falling?
L: Let me just check. *pause* No it's not.
B: I see. Uh, how much wax did you dribble on her face?
L: Oh heaps! At least 3 candles worth. You could hardly make anything out it was on so thick. She really enjoyed it though, she was thrashing around so much when I did it. It's funny, but even though I've removed all the wax, her face is still kind of blue.
B: Uh, yeah, that will pass. Um, she seems to have moved into another stage of existence, and it's not something we support. You'll need to call Life Support on 911.
L: What? Hey, it was your candles and BSDM[1] book! You have to support it.
B: I'm afraid not sir, we do explicitly state that you are responsible for the use of such equipment, and whilst we can provide tips and advice, you are responsible for anything occurring from the use of the product.
L: I want my money back then!
B: I'm sorry, but as you've used up the candles and used the book, we can't do that.
L: You can't do that. I'm gonna call the police!
B: OK, Sir. You do that, and tell them everything which happened. Tell them that we have a recorded tape of all our conversations which they can listen to if they need to confirm anything. Then if they agree you deserve a refund we'll do that.
L: Fine. *slams down phone*
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